


viva la revolución II

by ultraviolentae



Series: viva la revolución series [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dystopia, Class Differences, Denial of Feelings, Feelings Realization, Forbidden Love, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Porn with Feelings, Protests
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-26
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:42:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 35,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21973045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ultraviolentae/pseuds/ultraviolentae
Summary: In those acts of instinct and courage we found a freedom and it made us bold.It made us believe we could change the world.And in our own small ways, we did.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Series: viva la revolución series [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1294196
Comments: 54
Kudos: 164





	1. change of plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ❝ It sometimes happens that new beginnings come not at once, but at last. The wait is rewarded and the fresh start can commence. But we can never know how the story will conclude, and perhaps that's for the better. ❞

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for those who haven't read [viva la revolución part 1](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17173634/chapters/40378823) then go check that out before reading this please otherwise this won't make much sense! 
> 
> anyways to those who waited patiently for the continuation, here's my xmas gift to you! and happy 1yr since i first posted this fic as well, id like to be able to say i waited this long solemnly to post on the fics anniversary but lifes actually been beating my ass ever since uni started so i probably will be even more irregular with updates this time around :| but i will try my best yall!!! i alr have the chapters planned i just need to find the time and energy to write them
> 
> sorry for any typos! (yes i still refuse to make someone go thru the pain of being my beta what abt it?!)

**D** onghyuck knew he wasn't suited to be a lone wolf, he had come to terms with that fact before he had even started high-school, but no matter how well he knew it, he still thought he could handle being on his own for long periods of time. 

It happened every single time after the trials came to an end. For a few weeks after, when he had no school, he'd stay home and try to busy himself with either his hobbies or studies though he knew nothing truly helped. 

In the end the only thing that could end the vacuum inside his chest was to be with _someone._ Someone that did not share his blood, for his family was never enough to make things better — much to his demise. 

He couldn't call Jeno up. Well, technically, he _could_ but the money needed to be constantly traveling to see his friend wasn't easily available to him. And to ask his parents for anything relating to money was always a hassle, mostly on his part for he disliked feeling like a burden. 

So there he was. 

Home. 

Alone.

“I'm going to die.” The boy grumbles just as his body collapses onto the couch. He had gotten up, read a few pages of his book, eaten, watched television, slept again, read again, _repeat._ Had anything cured his boredom? His lack of social interaction? Not quite. 

At that time, just a week back, he would be in a trial alongside Renjun and Jisung, and after the trial he'd eat dinner with his roommates and they'd speak for hours on end about the most random things. Topics never were an issue, their conversations nonstop. 

Then came the night. _Mark_. 

Donghyuck sighs deeply and deflates against the slope of the couch, as if his soul that filled his body had slipped away through his lips. He could still remember every single touch like Mark's hands were still all over him, the memories were too fresh to forget. Donghyuck knew only time could help them fade and become harmless but time seemed to move snail paced those last couple of days, and the ridiculous amount of time he had spare to think was driving him insane. No matter how much he tried, his train of thought always led him right back to Mark. 

Surely that was normal, but that didn't mean Donghyuck wanted to deal with the aftermath of his actions. He _knew_ he would get nostalgic and miss the older once they'd part ways, he _knew_ the longing would be boosted by the loneliness. And yet he had gone through with it. 

Present Donghyuck wished nothing more but to beat Past Donghyuck to a pulp for the constant headaches he kept causing himself. That was all thinking of Mark gave him — a ranging headache.

Even Renjun was target of his nostalgic brain. After all the times he had sworn that he couldn't wait to never see the boy again, Donghyuck still felt tears swell up in his eyes at the thought of the other. He missed everything, _everyone_. 

Looking around him he finds no one, the voices coming from the television bring him no more comfort than raw silence. As he stares up at the ceiling, tears roll down his cheeks for the hundredth time since he had gone back home. 

For some fleeting moments he can't feel anything but relief as he allows his emotions to pour out of him like a waterfall. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Finally, after weeks of solitude, he gets to meet up with his best friend. Being with Jeno always cheered him up, but this time around Donghyuck was ecstatic during his trip on the way to the boy's house. Time seemed to slow down with all the excitement, minutes would pass at the speed of hours, and he only grew more impatient by the second. 

He gets there, eventually. Jeno was already waiting at the bus stop busying himself with his phone in the meantime, but as soon as the doors click open, the boy looks up from the screen and their eyes meet instantly. Both smile, and suddenly the sadness evaporates into thin air at the sight of a familiar face. 

"I missed you so much." Donghyuck whines as soon as his arms wrap around Jeno's neck. 

"You're making it sound like i had departed for the war." His best friend chuckles while caressing the back of his head gently, Donghyuck melts like ice cream on a warm sunny day against the boy's toned torso. "I missed you too."

"Good, i would hop on the next bus back home if you didn't say it back."

Jeno merely rolls his eyes before they begin walking down the street towards the big park nearby, it'd probably be full considering it was the holidays, but they always managed to find an empty spot even if that meant sitting in the middle of prickly plants that made his skin adorned with thin cuts. 

They don't talk much at first, but Donghyuck doesn't mind that one bit, he was relishing Jeno's presence in the meantime, they had the whole day to vomit out every single news from their time apart. Even with all the technology that they had access to, Donghyuck still preferred moments like those, no invention a smart scientist could come up with could replace them. 

As expected, lots of people had taken advantage of their free time and the lukewarm weather to go to the park and enjoy nature either with loved ones or merely by themselves. Jeno silently guides them away from the noisiest area into a path they had only once followed before, Donghyuck hoped to whichever divine force was above that that spot would be free of intruders. There, at the very top of the hill, you could not only see the small lake below, but also the town surrounding them. The walk was painful, but the muscles Donghyuck had to build throughout those hardous trials hadn't simply vanished just like that over those weeks — finally his pain seemed to be worth something. 

"Seems it's empty, i don't hear anything." Jeno says then turns around. "Unless we find someone getting it on up there, it happened to me once, don't recommend. Awkward experience."

Donghyuck barks out a laugh, that surely would warn any couple trying to have some privacy that intruders were nearby. Luckily, it seemed they had really managed to snatch the spot for themselves since, when they finally get to the very top, they find it to be empty. 

Jeno swings his backpack on his shoulder and lets it fall onto the grass. "Hell yea, we can have our picnic in peace."

After carefully placing the food Jeno had brought from home on a thin blanket, the boys begin feasting as if they hadn't eaten for months. To be fair, Donghyuck had only eaten breakfast many hours ago and, _Jeno_ , well Jeno had always been known as a greedy eater, it came as no surprise to see him devour half of what he had packed in the first ten minutes. 

"So." Jeno blurts out after staring into nothingness for a few seconds, Donghyuck was still munching on his second sandwich when his friend had already eaten his fair share. "Any plans for university?" He asks while rubbing his stomach with a satisfied look on his face. 

The other shrugs nonchalantly. "I guess? I'm applying to like, seven."

"You can go to so many places now that you finished your trials, and you're only going so far as _seven_?!" Jeno squeaks, baffled by the news. 

"Yeah sure i can get in i guess but the housing and uni costs won't pay themselves, duh."

"Hyuck you got the opportunity to rise up the social ladder, do you realise that? If you go to a prestige university you can find a good job and repay everything to your parents, you can give them a good life."

"And become everything i hate."

"Think big, is your parent's happiness not worth becoming one of _them_ or whatever."

"Then what the fuck would i be fighting? Myself?" 

Jeno sighs deeply. "I can't believe how stupid you become when you act stubborn." Before Donghyuck could even shriek out a _'Excuse me?!'_ , the boy keeps going. "You'd be infiltrated, idiot. You'd be one of them, know the system from your own experience, break it from the inside out, that kinda shit."

Donghyuck clenches his jaw, he hated how right Jeno was, but even then the thought of making his parents suffer through his university years while trying to pay his expenses makes him feel nauseated. "Whatever, maybe i'll sell my ass to get some goddamn cash."

"Shut up." Jeno groans, then perks up his face brightens up immediately. "Speaking of which…" He lowers his voice, making it become as soft as a whisper. "Mark."

"I did _not_ sell my ass to him." Donghyuck whisper yells. 

"I know idiot. I mean as in- You know."

Donghyuck sighs and keeps on eating his sandwich as a pretext to remain quiet. He really didn't want to talk about it, because _one_ someone could overhear them, _two_ it felt awkward to spill the beans to his best friend about it for he had never in his life mentioned any romantic interest with him, and _third_ reminiscing what had happened made him terribly upset — crying his eyes out like a baby kind of upset, which was humiliating. 

"What do you want to know?" 

"Was he your awakening?" 

"Oh, no."

"Really?! When'd you find out?" 

He stares at the lake below and grinds his teeth together before replying. "Must've been like ten? Thirteen? I don't know to be honest i forgot."

Jeno looks at him stunned with the news and then, just like that, his posture changes completely. He becomes very still, tense, and begins toying around with his fingers while chewing on his bottom lip. "You were mine." He mumbles. 

"I was yours?! What the fuck does that mean?" Donghyuck furrows his eyebrows. 

"My awakening, dumbass."

As if someone had covered his ears, Donghyuck finds himself unable to hear anything when those words leave his best friend's mouth except for a muffled beep in the distance. He freezes in his spot, sandwich in hand near his mouth which hung slightly open.

Jeno's face slowly turns into a funny shade of pink as the seconds pass by. "Can you react, this is embarrassing."

"What now?" Donghyuck croake out weakly and then coughs to clear his throat. "Jesus fuck that's too many news all at once, have mercy."

"I know but after i figured you were… you know… I thought it'd be best to take the opportunity to finally get this out of my chest." 

The other blinks back at his and then straightens his back as if he had finally returned back to reality. "Well, i'm flattered. I can't believe i was scared of your reaction, i should've known from day one you'd be okay with it. But, somehow, it never crossed my mind. I mean you have so many _things_ with girls that i never… Wow."

"It's called liking both, you uncultured swine!" 

"Bisexual. I've read about it, mind you."

"Great then we can skip the part where i have to explain any of this and go right to talking about something else."

Donghyuck snickers and throws one of the chips right at Jeno's face, it hits the tip of his nose then fall onto the blanket pathetically. "It's nice to know i'm not alone."

"Yeah, it is." His best friend smiles softly, his eyes turning into crescents as he does so. "Glad i can count on you just like before."

They both simultaneously let our a sigh of relief then, when their eyes meet, begin laughing like madmen, scaring the birds nearby that fly up high far away from the two loud boys. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


"Have you applied already?" He hears from behind him before a hand comes in contact with his shoulder and squeezes down gently. 

Donghyuck tenses up immediately. "Yeah, it's all done."

His mom sits on the chair next to him with a soft smile. "Where to?" 

"Don't worry they're all nearby and affordable, it won't be a bother." 

Instead of relief, which would be what he thought he'd get in return for his mindfulness, Donghyuck gets a look of disbelief. His mom looked almost _angry_. "Lee Donghyuck." She exhales and rubs the bridge of her nose. "You went through all those painful trials for what exactly? You have all these privileges and yet you use none."

To win already felt like he favoured the system, it made him part of the whole malefic plan that he so desperately tried to run away from. To put the privileges to use would be an even bigger betrayal to himself. He refused. "Yeah i can get in anywhere easy peasy, but the money issue doesn't disappear."

"Your father and i are willing to go the extra mile to give you the best education possible. What part of that have you not allowed to get through your thick skull?" 

"Why do you assume that Seoul is equal to superior education? Just because it's a rich people hotpot doesn't mean shit." 

"Don't act stupid with me, i know you're not. You know it's all about prestige." She sighs. "It'd allow you to get a proper job, finally someone in our family finally could rise above. If i had your opportunity i wouldn't think twice, why must you be this way?" 

Donghyuck looks down at the table where the book he had previously been reading lay. He resented the idea with every fibre of his being, how could be so proudly shame the government if he decided to act accordingly to their plan? 

Finally, after many minutes, his mother seems to give up. The woman gets up, her hand travels from Donghyuck's nape towards the back of his scalp. She massages the area lovingly. "If you can beat them, join them."

Then she's gone. 

  
  
  
  
  


The results come in three weeks later. On D-day his whole family seemed to be more sensitive than usual, though they probably should not since, the chances of him not getting in some local small university with all trials completed neared zero percent. 

Donghyuck wasn't worried at least, he waits patiently for any notification sound to come from his phone, until then all had been from messages. Each time the familiar _Ding!_ echoed inside the houses' walls, his mother peaked her head through whatever room she would be in and gave her son a questioning look. She seemed more excited than he was to go to university, in fact the thought of it all scared the living hell out of him, but everyone was so supportive of it all that he refused to show his true emotions. 

_Ding!_

He grabs his phone serenely and unlocks it. There it was, the email notification, his future. His mother pops out of her room and stands nearby waiting as Donghyuck clicks on the white bar and watches the app open. He gulps and closes his eyes for a few seconds to calm himself down, he shouldn't be nervous, but suddenly he was. 

**_Seoul._ **

"Seoul?!" The boy screams in disbelief. He snaps his neck to the side to look right into his mother's eyes and then frowns. "You signed me up against my will."

"I don't regret it." She smiles brightly and sprints in his direction to squeeze him in a tight hug. 

"Mom, i told you…" 

"If you love me you'll do this. For me."

It comes off as a plead, it probably was intended to be one, and Donghyuck isn't cruel enough to hurt his mother by stubbornly deciding to not agree to join. He doesn't like the idea, not for one bit, it in fact makes him feel sick to his stomach. He'd never fit in, it'd be hell. Still, she seemed to joyful to hear the news, and when his father finally shows up from somewhere in the house, he too is grinning from one ear to another. 

Donghyuck hadn't seen so much happiness and relief in their faces in probably years. He melts into his mother's embrace, that's when he decides to do his best instead of outright rejecting the idea. 

For his parents, he would try his best to fit in. He'd get the desk job that he so much despised.

If that meant he could finally get to pay back for all the love and sacrifices they had made for him, then he would. 

  
  



	2. mom come pick me up, i'm scared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ❝ When walking around the top of an abyss, or crossing a deep stream on a plank, we need a railing, not to hold onto (for it would collapse with us at once), but rather to achieve the visual image of security. Likewise, when we are young, we need people who unconsciously offer us the service of that railing; it is true that they would not help us if we really were in great danger and wanted to lean on them; but they give us the comforting sensation of protection nearby. ❞

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaah omg i didnt expect so much support!!! ive gotten so much positive feedback ever since i returned :( it really motivates me to work more so thank you for liking this fic everyone :D

**E** verything is nerve-wracking, has been ever since he figured he'd be moving very far away to the hotpot of his country where he'd inevitably be surrounded by those he disliked the most. 

There was no going back though, mother had already boasted his achievements to not only their family but probably the whole entire village. Of course that made Donghyuck's heart smile, it was relieving to know his parents were genuinely proud of him, but on the other hand it forced him to go through with a plan he otherwise would've already backed out of. 

He'd miss everything so much, the nostalgia had already cemented in his guts and Seoul had been a part of his life for less than one hour. It was far too different, so loud, buzzing with colour and flashes of neon, the entire mix ended up giving him a headache.

It was taking him far too long to get to his apartment, eventually he gave up and got himself a lift even if that meant wasting cash that he otherwise would've not, but there was only so much of that messy city he could handle on his own. He needed to be surrounded by four walls, laying in bed with his eyes closed to regain his strength back as soon as possible. 

Indeed, it takes a while. Donghyuck had underestimated the city's size, but it was hard for him not to, he had never travelled enough to see anything that could be compared to the scale of this new reality. Thankfully the apartment was in the outskirts of town in a slightly less crowded place, and with certainly less headache inducing publicity hurting his eyes everywhere he looked. 

"Thank you." He thanks he man sitting behind the steering wheel and walks out, alone, into what he was now supposed he had to call home. 

The building wasn't cozy looking, but it definitely looked better than most that he had come across in his hometown. The paint was fresh enough, the magenta of the balconies contrasted nicely with the sandy colour covering the rest of its surface, Donghyuck was grateful it wasn't just grey, or some other dull colour that'd suck out the little remains of happiness left in him. 

He still missed home, he'd always miss home. 

As he walks in he finds a man and a woman chatting by the entrance. The two give him a quick look accompanied by a slight raise of their eyebrows, before returning to their conversation as if he was never there in the first place. The boy walks past them with his massive bag — the biggest their family owned, they had bought it for his trials but Donghyuck had stopped using it after a few years since they barely needed clothes there anyways, for the most part they were actually given specific uniforms, though one could always wear their own attire if they really wished to — and drags it up towards the elevator. 

The building wasn't very talll compared to the other thousand he had seen since he had first gotten off the bus, so it doesn't take long before the doors click open showcasing a white hall. He looks to his left then right and eventually heads to the right. After punching the code he had already memorised out of boredom, the door ti the apartment unlocks and moves open quietly. Donghyuck pushes it further to give him space to enter and proceeds to close the door behind him once he's inside. 

"Hello?" He asks tentatively, there was no way in hell an apartment that good didn't come with a roommate. He could've already gotten all the details about the whole ordeal but he had chosen to ignore the fact that he was moving out and decided to live in ignorance instead. When his university informed him everything was all set, Donghyuck chose to let it be and enjoy his last days of freedom instead of preparing himself for his next 'mission'.

It's silent. The boy furrows his eyebrows and decides to check the rest of his the house quickly, everything was in place, but he couldn't help but notice that there were two bedrooms just as he expected. He had probably gotten there first which gave him the upper hand on which room to make his, not that they were very different anyways but one was near the kitchen and the other near the toilet. 

Eventually he opts with the near the kitchen because he'd rather have his clothes stinking of food than smell the bad odor that'd reek from the bathroom when one of them would unleash their stinky bombs. Not that two university students would cook much, especially stinky food. 

With no energy left whatsoever to unpack his bag, Donghyuck lets the luggage sit by one of the cornera of the room and jumps onto his new bed with a sigh of relief. A nap would feel like heaven to his exhausted brain, and so that's exactly what he ends up doing. 

The loud sound of something slamming echoes in his ears snapping him out if his slumber. Donghyuck sits on his bed and rubs his eyes, confused as to where he was since it was definitely not his room. That's when it hits him.

Seoul.

Apartment.

Roommate.

 _Roommate_. 

He forces himself off the bed and wobbles his way out of the bedroom, near the entrance stood a boy, a tall one, his hair was chocolate brown and dangled in front of his eyes. Their eyes lock just seconds after Donghyuck emerges from his room and the other shoots him a welcoming smirk immediately. "Hello." He greets, raising his arm up slightly to wave his hand. "I'm assuming you're roommate otherwise this is an awkward situation and i just came in the middle of a robbery. If so, please don't kill me, take all you want the house isn't mine." 

Donghyuck snorts loudly and extends his arm out to shake the stranger's hand. "As far as i'm aware, i'm your roommate, and i don't think i'm the type of idiot to rob college student housing."

"Glad to know you have the bare minimum brain functionality." He grins. "Johnny."

"Donghyuck, nice to meet you."

"Equally. So, Donghyuck, i see you've claimed your room." Johnny says smugly and walks nearer to the empty bedroom. "There must be a reason as to why, you look mischievous."

"Me?! I didn't even do anything."

Johnny quirks his eyebrow, his eyes were serene yet his expression so smug, Donghyuck fights the urge to give away the fact that he had indeed picked his room for a reason and instead observes the other as he moves around with caution. "It's the toilet. Do you plan on unloading your stinky massacres on here often?" 

"Great minds think alike."

"So i am right." He does a little victory dance before strolling over to the entrance to get his things. "I swear if you give me any reasons to complain, and by that i mean if your shits smell worse than your regular person, i won't hesitate to invade your room and fight for my rights."

Donghyuck wheezes out a laugh and gives the other a thumbs up just as Johnny disappears in his room. He stands frozen in his spot with a ghost of smile on his lips, the worries clouding his mind of hating whoever he had to share his apartment with suddenly vanish just like that. Of course it was impossible to figure out just how well they'd get along from a five minute exchange but, so far, things seemed to be going in a bright path. They had definitely started in the right foot, Donghyuck just hoped things would remain that way. 

It had been days since he had left the apartment, three to be exact. Donghyuck felt as if he was a small puppy dropped into a new home and he had yet to get used to everything, so he barely moved much at all and instead observed Johnny with attentive eyes as the older moved all around. It was him who did the groceries, and even though Donghyuck paid his fair share it still felt like a very annoying thing to do, he wasn't helping whatsoever with any chore. Johnny was always super understanding even then, he wasn't a freshman, in fact he was in his last year of his masters, so he understood the panic of starting fresh well. He didn't blame Donghyuck for anything and he made sure that the younger knew that. 

"First day is in a week." Donghyuck mutters while they both sit on the couch mindlessly watching football. "I'm gonna do the groceries today."

Johnny's smile was one of the warmest he had ever seen, he always resembled a proud father whenever his pearly whites flashed across his face. "You'll do great, for both those things. I have a list of things i need so take it."

No, it wasn't fun to roam around unknown streets trying to find the right path, but Donghyuck ended up finding an antiques shop while he was lost on his way home and that alone brightened up his day immensely. There were all sorts of goods there, from books to unused pieces of technology, Donghyuck was surprised to see such stores live through oppression in the capital without resorting to the black market. 

He considers going in for a long time but it was already getting dark out, his mother's voice warning him of the dangers of a big city such as Seoul ring inside his head and so he backs away promising himself to return at a more opportune time. 

Coming home to Johnny was not nearly as comforting as seeing his parents cuddled up in the couch, but Donghyuck finds that his heart swells a little as the man shoots him a proud smile when he sees him walk inside with two bags in his hands. "You didn't die i see."

"Was i supposed to?" 

"You never know." The man jokes as he gets up to help Donghyuck put everything in place. "Wanna watch a movie later? I'm bored out of my mind, my friends are yet to return from vacation and i'm assuming you don't have friends nearby to entertain you properly, right?" 

"Not really." Truth be told, he had actually moved closer to his friends than if he would have remained in the remote area he had been born in, but the expenses of travelling to go see, for example, Jisung, made him shudder. He already tried to forget about all of the money he spent by living there and going to some rich people University, he refused to spend more on top of that. The only help completing his trials offered was by giving him a special spot to get into his course and finding him housing, he still had to pay for everything with his own money. 

They organize everything, it's Johnny who does the most part while Donghyuck sits on the counter observing. Johnny suggests a few movies which the younger had not seen (it wasn't surprising, he barely watched movies anyways, reading was more of his thing) and Donghyuck ends up asking him to pick the best one for him. Whatever they'd watch didn't matter, as long as it didn't actually bore him to death, he just wanted time to go by faster and to lose himself in another reality that was not the one he was currently in. 

It works, at least for two hours he immerses in a parallel universe, one in which he doesn't feel lonely and scared. For those two hours he is part of a badass squad killing bad guys left and right to bring justice to the world, just like he wished he could grow up to do. 

His first university day comes around, Donghyuck barely sleeps the night before with how stressed he felt. He spent the entire night falling asleep and waking up not even ten minutes later, and the dreams were more like nightmares instead. Nightmares of him being lonely and wanting to return back home like a loser, disappointing his family and neighbours too who were all rooting for him to leave the misery they went through, they all wanted him to get a better future. 

Still, even though he wakes up feeling heavy and slightly nauseous, Donghyuck pushes himself out of his cozy bed and heads to the kitchen. It was still fairly dark out, he had decided to wake up earlier than he probably needed to just to guarantee that he'd get there on time, having things under control was his only way to feel less anxious about it all so the boy hoped to every God out there that things would go smoothly. If he came home feeling lonely, that'd be okay, as long as he knew he had gone through with his duties just as expected of him. 

Suddenly the sound of a door clicking open echoes inside the house making Donghyuck jump in both surprise and fear. It's Johnny, obviously, but he had not expected the other to be awake before seven. "Good morning." The man croak out while rubbing his eyes. "Getting ready already?!" 

"Better be safe than sorry, but you're up as well."

"To pee." 

"In the kitchen?!" 

Johnny flickers the boy's forehead lightly and chuckles. "I was going to pee then saw you were up and got curious, thought you couldn't sleep and i was gonna try to give one of my amazing speeches so you'd feel less agitated." He yawns just as he finishes explaining himself. "Turns out you're just missing some braincells and decided waking up at six in the damn morning was a good idea."

Donghyuck rolls his eyes at him while sipping on his warm coffee. "I'm good you may now unleash the urine." He snorts when the other scrunches his nose with disgust and grabs a cookie. 

"You don't look so good."

"Jee thanks." 

"I'm saying, if you wanna talk it out-" 

Johnny was nice. Donghyuck couldn't deny his luck with the roommate he had been assigned to. It was still reassuring to know he didn't come home to someone he hated, or merely didn't enjoy the presence of. With Johnny he came home to someone whom he knew would eventually turn into a friend, they were already so i comfortable around each other after spending some weeks together. 

Johnny, however, wasn't Jeno or his mother. His natural reflex around him was to put in a font and deny any weakness, and so he shakes his head and forces a smile on his face. "No need, get back in bed."

"Alright, alright. Good luck today champ."

"Thanks Johnny." The corner of Donghyuck's lips curl up slightly, and this time it wasn't forced. He was genuinely fond of the other and his pure kindness. 

He feels lighter somehow, the worry doesn't dissipate but at least the still dim lit world felt less lonely as he stood by himself staring out onto the streets below while drinking from a plain mug the owner had left in the nearly empty shelves.

It's grey. _Grey_. A block of cement in the middle of a garden, the only colour that could be seen from the outside was the university's logo by the entrance. 

Donghyuck grimaces, he didn't know what he expected, but whatever he was looking at was certainly not it. How a literature course could be held in such a dull looking place was beyond him, as if he wasn't feeling like a downer already now he also had to deal with coming there everyday to be greeted with not a single smidgen of joy. 

"What did i get myself into?" The boy lets out a sigh before gathering the will to keep on walking. 

Many people gather around the door, the sight awakens yet another wave of anxiety that strikes Donghyuck so hard that his breathing weakens. "You're doing great." He wheezes out to himself, it wasn't hard to comprehend why he was struggling so much with the idea if being dropped in the middle of the unknown with people he knew he'd dislike, but still Donghyuck couldn't help but feel stupid for his weakness. Hell, he had gone through so many mental trials and yet there he was, feeling just as bad as he was during the most mentally exhausting tests he had to pass. 

There wasn't a single familiar face within sea of people he squeezed himself into, no comfort, no sense of relief, it was just him and his constant state of panic. The worst part was that he could observe groups of people who already seemed friendly with one another, but he couldn't comprehend how that was possible considering it was everyone's very first day. The only plausible reason was that they already knew each other, which wouldn't be too big of a stretch considering those who had gotten in were either prodigies, rich or like him, surely there'd be rich people who had gone to private schools that managed to get into the same university together. Their comfort, happy smiles and relaxed postures, all of it annoyed Donghyuck to no end. 

Jealousy was ugly, the boy knew he'd need to get used to everyone around him having the upper hand while he struggled alone. Donghyuck feels like snarling at them, how dare they not feel like puking from nervousness, how dare they have it easy? 

"Are you new here?" Someone asks suddenly, when Donghyuck looks to his side to see who had spoken to him he finds a smiley girl next to him. 

"Ah." He blinks twice then nods. "Yes, yes."

"Okay! Well, you have to head to the Big Hall. You seemed a bit lost, thought i'd help. If you need anything there are a few of us scattered all around, just look for anyone who has a t-shirt like mine!" She explains excitedly. 

Donghyuck looks down at the red shirt with the university's logo then back up at the girl's face. "Thank you so much." He smiles softly to show his gratitude then looks around. "Should i just follow the crowd?" 

"Yes, they're all headed to the same place."

After a quick goodbye, the boy turns around and begins following everyone else. Ahead, in the distance, he could see two big doors open wide welcoming them all as if with open arms. Donghyuck stabs his nails against the palm of his hand as he walks, it had been a while since he has felt that lonely. To feel alone in the middle others was the worst, he'd much rather the sensation of spending his days home alone to that. 

Once inside, he decides to walk closer to the front for a better view and to hear clearer and, without a second thought, picks the very front row. He sits at the very corner expecting that, with such a big influx of people, the hall would fill up, but it doesn't, and so he finds himself _actually_ alone. 

It's humiliating. After a quick glance behind him it seemed the place had filled up quite a bit, and yet nobody had sat near him whatsoever. 

He bites the inside of his cheek, tears threaten to fall but he sucks them back in by swallowing down thickly. Donghyuck feels pathetic, unwanted, different. But he can't figure out if the problem was him, could they see through him? That he wasn't a high rank like them? That he resented them? Or was it because most people refused to sit right at the front? He couldn't know, but even if it hadn't been on purpose, Donghyuck still feels an outcast. 

It was to be expected, but to actually feel first hand in the very first hours after stepping foot into the building was something else entirely. He wants nothing more but to spill his feelings right out, right there. After all the situation was pathetic enough, a few tears couldn't possibly make it worse. 

"Good evening all." A lady greets while adjusting the microphone stand in front of her. 

"Good to whom exactly?" Donghyuck grumbles under his breath. 

"I am very happy to see all these new fresh faces, you have all worked so hard to achieve your place in this university so congratulations above all." She looks around with a wide smile. "You all should be proud of yourself to be in the best universities of the whole country! You made it, but the path from now on isn't easier so don't slack off."

Donghyuck grinds his teeth against each other and breathes in sharply. There it was, the feeling of unworthiness. He didn't work hard, not in the sense the woman spoke of, his grades were average, he never tried hard to get good ones anyways. Everyone surrounding him probably got in with the highest grades of the whole country, after all he was surrounded by high ranks, probably most of them being rank ones, who's brain capacity surpassed anything he could dream of. 

He closes his eyes and imagines Jeno by his side, hand on his thigh squeezing it reassuringly time to time. Donghyuck wished so badly to have his best friend near him, to have some sort of comfort. Tears swell up in his eyes but he refuses to let them fall and instead continues hearing the speech that soon stop being a shower of compliments about their abilities and finally changes into a more informative ramble about how the system worked. His brain barely registers anything at all though, Donghyuck spends the entire time focusing on not crying or showing any emotion that might give away his discomfort. 

Just a few hours more, then he'd be home, then he could cry. 

Johnny isn't home when he gets there, Donghyuck had never been more glad to come back to an empty home. He wished nothing more than to howl in pain, there was nothing that a dramatic breakdown could not fix. 

The boy throws his bag on top of his bed and then throws himself right next to it, the impact knocks the air out of his lungs but Donghyuck doesn't care. He doesn't breathe in for a few seconds, relishing the sensation of becoming lightheaded, right there and then he wanted nothing more but to black out.

His survival instincts speak louder though, he breathes in sharply and then lets out a loud sob that echoes inside the empty apartment. 

"I can't do this." The boy cries out with tears smeared all over his face. "I really can't." 

There was nothing but sadness and lonelines flowing through his body, thinking of home only makes it worse instead of comforting him. It's as if he's unable to do anything else but cry. 

The sound of the door clicking open makes him shuts up immediately, Donghyuck falls limp against the bed. He focuses on the sound of Johnny's steps on the hard floor while staring at the ceiling with empty eyes, but suddenly the steps stop and, when Donghyuck forces himself to move his eyes to look at the door, he finds Johnny leaning on doorframe with a sad smile. 

"Not good?" 

The other sighs. 

"Hey, i thought i'd hate it here. My first day went as bad as it could get, i just wasn't having the best of lucks and it really ruined my mood. I came here with the mindset of being as social as i could, but i was too moody the first day and nobody approached me, which made it worse. I came home and punched the wall of the cheap ass room i had rented and of course i also payed for that damage." Johnny chuckles. "Not great, but it got better as time went by even if my confidence was at an all time low in the beginning."

Donghyuck looks at the man's eyes and sighs again. "Thank you, i needed to hear that." 

The corner of Johnny's mouth curl up. "You're not alone, people are going through the same as you, everyone's scared of this new chapter of their life. Trust me, and also…" He pauses and winks at Donghyuck. "You got me!" 

The boy snorts loudly ans finally a smile forms on his face. "Thank you."

"Alright, alright." Johnny waves him off. "Wanna eat pizza with me? My treat!" 

"I'll pay half the price."

"My treat." 

"Half the price." 

"I'm fucking older respect your elders, now get your ass out of that bed and eat."

There was no winning Johnny, Donghyuck had already cime to that realisation a while back. So instead of putting up a fight the boy swings his legs out of the bed and pushes himself to sit up, he still felt extremely unmotivated to return to that hell hole, but at least at the end of the day he'd return home to a friend.

That would have to be enough for the meantime. 


	3. a friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ❝ Courage cannot move mountains but it can show us how to climb find a way, forge a path that we believe in. And emboldened, we stand firm, knowing where we stand and where we're headed and where we can belong. ❞

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!!! i know i left for SO long... i was finishing a ficfest fic and that was taking up all of my time bc ficfests have a fixed schedule n all that jazz so i couldn't ignore it and write for this one TT i also had exams till the end of January but still, i'm rlly sorry i was gone for so long i WILL be posting more frequently from now on since i will be focusing solemnly on this fic ^^

**O** ften, Donghyuck would forget there was a world outside of his bubble, that his problems weren't the most important nor the hardest to deal with.

As he sulks while munching on the noodles he had 'made', something catches his attention on the TV Johnny had left on before heading to the bathroom to shower. 

It was happening, people were manifesting. It reminded him of the horrific scenes he'd unintentionally catch a glimpse of whenever he'd wake up at night as a kid and would find his parents watching the news in the living room. The red of the fire and destruction, blood and anger, it sparked something within him ever since he had first witnessed it, though he couldn't understand the emotion just yet. 

Anger. Donghyuck was angry, always had been. Those people were angry like him, anger fed their soul and made them apathetic to death or any of the punishments they might receive for speaking their mind. But of course, the reporter didn't describe it that way. 

Terrorists. Criminals. 

Donghyuck had always seen past it, he saw himself within the people with flames in their eyes screaming at the top of their lungs. They were out there, revolting and doing what he still feared. Putting himself out there like that was something that still made his body shudder, but at the same time he knew that was his destiny. He knew, and he accepted it as it was. 

The images flashing in front of his eyes hurt deep inside, Donghyuck forgets that he's at home, safe and sound. It's only when Johnny screams out for him that the boy snaps out of it and returns to his dull life of cowardice. 

"You good?" 

"Yeah." He mumbles and forces a smile. 

Johnny looks at him then turns around to face the television. "Scary times."

"Again."

The corner of the man's mouth twitches as if he was about to speak, except he doesn't. Instead he walks closer to Donghyuck and sits right in front of him. "Stay safe." He says gently as if he could see into Donghyuck's head and read his wishes to join the rebels on the street. Not that he actually would do any of it, but perhaps his longing sparkled in his eyes obviously enough for the older to realise. 

"Why wouldn't i be? I don't go out anyways, and my trip to uni and back is safe." He gives the other a tight-lipped smile and returns to slurping on the noodles. 

"Alright." Johnny nods. "I'm just saying. Be smart, i know you must be."

The man gets up and turns his back to him as he walks towards his room providing no further explanation to his words. Donghyuck blinks a few times before his gaze drifts back to the television. There, inside the screen, stood the president, posture as perfect as always, eloquently making a statement on how terrible the terrorists were for creating chaos in their peaceful country. 

Donghyuck's blood boils. He turns off the TV and stares at the blank screen where he could see his reflection. 

"Terrorists?" He tilts his head and chuckles, expression dark, eyes void of innocence. "We can show you terrorism." 

  
  
  
  
  
  


As he sits alone inside the classroom Donghyuck can't help but wonder if his whole university experience would turn out to be a grey blur. All he wanted was to have enrolled in a smaller, local university where people didn't look so entitled and arrogant. He knew he'd be much happier away from the capital, Jeno shared his experiences with him daily and it was more than clear that he was enjoying college far more than Donghyuck could ever. 

Still, the thought of switching to somewhere close to his hometown was nowhere in his plans. He made a promise to himself and he refused to back down from it, all he hoped for was to make at least one friend who'd make everything bearable till he graduated, but everyone around him seemed so dull, he couldn't stand it. 

The classroom fills up, eventually the seat next to him finally gets taken making him feel less of an outsider. As much as Donghyuck resented his classmates, he would rather fake his personality than have to deal with isolation. He just didn't know how to approach anyone just yet. 

Jeno wasn't responding to his messages, probably too busy having fun while he busied himself by fidgeting with his fingers as he waited for the teacher to arrive and commence the lecture. He sighs, deep down Donghyuck knew that it was his fault he felt so miserable, if only he had come there with a positive mindset perhaps things wouldn't be looking so negative in his eyes. The black and grey walls of basically every classroom didn't help either, it couldn't be that hard to make their learning space more cheerful. 

"Hey." A feminine voice calls out, but it's only when a hand comes into contact with his shoulder that Donghyuck realises it had been directed at him. "This is Introduction to History right?" 

He stares at her, his brain could not process that someone had actually interacted with him, it had been longer than he'd like to admit since the last time that had happened (if he crossed Johnny out of the equation). She raises her eyebrow at him when he remains silent and, finally, Donghyuck snaps out of it. 

"Uh, yeah." He blinks a few times and then frowns. "Why?" 

"I mean… The teacher is fifteen minute late, i thought maybe i got it all wrong." She pouts. "But i guess not, that's a relief!" 

The boy looks to the seat next to her to attempt to figure out if she was as lonely as he was, it was far easier to approach someone who didn't have friends yet just like him than to interfere in an already established group. She seemed to not have any connection to the person by her side though, so he breathes in sharply and puts on his brightest grin. 

"If she doesn't come, wanna go eat lunch earlier with me? If you don't have other plans, of course."

She looks taken aback at first but, soon enough, her expression mirrors Donghyuck's. "I'd love to!" The girl nods. "I'm Yuri, by the way."

"Donghyuck!" He chirps. Finally it seemed he had managed to snatch someone to make him company. 

Now, all that he could hope for, was that Yuri was as nice as she seemed to be. He didn't even ask for much. Just that. 

  
  
  
  


"This is random." He blurts out while the girl munches on her food. "What do you think would be a good job to have, since i'd be studying at the same time as i go to uni?" 

Yuri sucks in her bottom lip and begins chewing on while thinking hard, her genuine care to give him a good answer made Donghyuck smile fondly. "First thing that comes to mind is tutoring because you kind of can have more of a flexible schedule and you get to study, or revise, while you're getting paid."

Donghyuck gasps and leans forward to reach out to the girl on the other side of the table. "Holy hell, that's actually genius. No wonder you're in our uni."

"So are you."

"Oh." He sits back down then laughs awkwardly. "Not on the same terms as you all, though."

She tilts her head. "What are you on about?" 

Jeno had tried many times to put it through his skull that the way he gotten to where he was wasn't anyone's business and that he didn't deserve it any less than other since he too fought to pass all of the trials. Still, Donghyuck couldn't seem to get rid of the nagging voice inside his head convincing him that he was not worthy of being enrolled in such a high prestige college. 

He sighs loudly and licks his lips. "I completed all my trials, that's how i'm here."

Yuri opens her mouth slightly in shock but soon enough returns back to her cheerful state. "That's so awesome, i never met someone who managed to complete all of the trials. I never needed to do any of that, but every rank one thinks thats some sort of myth! But it's real after all!" 

Donghyuck snorts at the girl's reaction, it had been nothing like he has expected it to be and he couldn't be more grateful to not have been given a dirty look for telling the truth. 

"Either way, you passed your mental trials too right? So you're more than capable. I think tutoring would really be the best option for your situation."

They remain silent after that, Yuri resumes her eating and Donghyuck stares out through the canteen's window into the green scenery outside. It was a great idea, he just didn't know how to start or if any rank above him would accept the idea of a lower one teaching them anything. Would they even need him? Technically, they should be near perfect. Did any low rank dare live at the heart of their country? 

He sighs. Ever since he left his hometown he felt everything weighted down on him ten times more than it should, every new task or obstacle seemed to be the end of the world without proper support from anyone else. That was what growing up felt like, he supposed. He was the small bird finally learning how to fly on his own, of course he'd fall and hurt himself, but Donghyuck could only hope he'd get the hang of it soon. 

"What's on your mind? You've barely eaten and we have to go back to class soon!" Yuri reminds him. 

Donghyuck smiles weakly at her and proceeds to shove a spoonful of rice down his throat, making the girl grimace while he witnesses the entire thing. "I'm stressed. I have no idea how to get the tutor job started."

"I can help." She grins. "I've lived here all my life so maybe my knowledge will help, but i think you should definitely target high-schoolers."

"You're so kind." Donghyuck fake sobs. "Why? We've met like three hours ago."

"I just really wanna make friends here, that's the honest answer, since you were to frank with me just now i think i owe you honesty as well. And plus, i don't lose anything in being kind to others, do i?" 

"Sometimes you do."

Yuri pursues her lips and then rolls hers eyes. "If i catch you taking advantage of me i  _ will  _ rip your dick off."

"Not the dick!" Donghyuck gasps dramatically as he covers his crotch with both his hands. "I'll die without my best friend."

"Men are gross." She scrunches her nose but still ends up giggling. "As i was saying, i like to be a good friend, but i am not stupid nor naive so don't you dare use me."

Donghyuck straightens his back and presses the side of his flat hand against his forehead in a military fashion. "Yes ma'am, no ma'am."

The way the girl barks out a laugh warms his insides. Even if his brain made everything into a gloomy hell, Donghyuck had to admit he managed to get lucky with the people he encountered in this new life of his, because even if he wasn't the social butterfly he so wished to be, at least he snatched himself good people that actually did him good. 

There was always a positive side, he knew all he needed to do was learn to focus on it more often to keep from falling into the same grey headspace. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


The streets were loud that day. Better yet,  _ louder.  _

Donghyuck clutches onto his jacket for comfort, it was nothing but a fake sense of protection considering that a cheap jacket could never protect him from a bullet or a sharp blade. Still, he refused to pay for someone to drive him home, it'd feel too much like a waste of money that he could otherwise spend on things he actually needed. 

He'd heard whispers of revolution commencing all around university. Of course everyone around him spewed negative remarks left and right, but Donghyuck felt his body awaken at the promise of change. However revolutions could take a dark turn — it could fail. Then the government would get stricter, lower ranks would suffer while the upper continued on with their lives, smiling away while their privilege remains untouched. 

Donghyuck was too young, he still felt he wasn't capable of putting himself out there and fighting as well. He knew he was a coward. Still, everytime he thought about getting wounded, the image of his parents flashed across his eyes and he immediately scratched out the possibility of joining the streets. 

There were other ways to help though. 

Over the course of his life, Donghyuck drowned himself in books, all kinds of them, but the ones that stood out most to him were about the past or about the human brain. Those were mainly the banned ones he owned he owned, but he deemed them worth the struggle and risk as he had learnt a great deal about everything in life through them. 

Propaganda. That was one of, if not the most, powerful tool in winning over large groups of people. He needed to win society over, slowly but surely make their mindsets shift so that their unconscious brainwashing would sweep out and finally begin being cleansed. But he was only one man, it was hard. 

Still, he'd try. Trying couldn't hurt. 

He enters a shop he'd usually go to to find cheap miscellaneous products and begins his quest to find spray. Surely it'd be hard in a big city since those sort of things were always used by vandals, but what if he wished to use them for artistic purposes? The government didn't care surely. 

To his luck, and surprise, he does end up finding some in the arts and crafts area. A big smile spreads across his face at the realisation that his plan could actually commence. 

With adrenaline pumping in his veins, Donghyuck buys a few cans and heads onto the streets. He knew he needed to plan his strategy if he wanted it to work, but he was far too excited to wait so, instead, the boy tries finding the most secluded place nearby so to not get caught — though he knew he still could considering it wasn't fully dark out and his clothes weren't very discreet. 

He shakes the spray a bit, relishing the metallic noise it makes before positioning it to the stone wall in front of him. Donghyuck hadn't thought what he was going to write, he forgot about that part of the plan which was _pretty_ _damn_ crucial, but he decides to write what first pops into his brain anyways. 

**FREE** **YOUR MIND**

**KILL** **PREDEFINED THINKING.**

As soon as he's finished, the boy quickly puts the can back inside his school bag and gets up. His joins crack horribly as he does so and Donghyuck would be worried about that if it wasn't for the fact that he'd caught someone witnessing his vandalism. He swallow down thickly as the silhouette begins walking away. What could he do? Chase after them? Make sure they didn't speak? How? 

Donghyuck thinks perhaps the best option was to bolt and hope the other hadn't gotten a good glimpse of his face to rat him out. He finds himself unable to move though, panic freezes him to the same spot, he can only follow the other with his eyes as the shadow of the person walks away calmly. 

Then, it turns around, and Donghyuck sucks in a breath. It only lasted half a second, but he could've sworn some of the person's features were all too familiar. 

_ Jaemin?  _


	4. new people

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ❝ People whom we cannot tolerate, we try to make suspect. ❞

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel so meh when i put out small chapters but that's literally what a chaptered fic is for .___. LMFAO either way i swear mark will show up... soon........ just hang in there im sowwy aaa

* * *

**W** ith merely four posters remaining in his hand left to put up, Donghyuck calls it a day. 

Yuri had helped him all day, she had been the one contacting most high schools around the area to ask for permission to spread the tutoring advertisement and, even when Donghyuck reassured her that she didn't need to help him with putting up hundreds of papers in the schools who had alowed them to do so, the girl still refused to walk away and go home. 

"I'd be bored at home anyways." Is her excuse, but Donghyuck isn't stupid. He knew a gold hearted person when he saw one. 

He walks closer to the girl who was just finishing up glueing one of the paper's up and places his hand on her shoulder. "I'll pay for dinner, as a treat."

"Donghyuck-" 

"Yeah, yeah you'd be bored at home. Even so, you still helped me so much. If you don't allow me to repay i'll feel terrible, so _please._ "

She huffs but eventually ends up nodding. "Okay, fine. But you really didn't have to."

"No _you_ didn't have to. You know me for just a few days!" He snorts. "You're not Mother Teresa." 

"I know that when i'll need you, you'll help me too." Yuri says while smiling but, when Donghyuck looks at her in disbelief, she doesn't hesitate on smacking his bicep. "Hey! I'm putting my trust on you don't look at me like that."

"You sure trust people easily."

The girl mumbles something under her breath before turning her back on Donghyuck and walking down the hall towards the exit. "Just because you're being an ass, i'm going to make you pay me some caviar."

"Wait Yuri-" He calls out then proceeds to trip on his own feet almost making himself land face first on the floor. "How about we eat fried chicken?" 

She stares down at him in shock from seeing Donghyuck on the ground, and then a smug spreads across her lips in amusement. "Chicken fried in gold."

"You're insane." He whines, still on the floor to make himself look even more miserable.

"Get up from the floor, idiot."

Donghyuck doesn't budge. Instead he puts on his best puppy eyes and forces his bottom lip to tremble. 

"Donghyuck." She glares. "Oh my God, fine. But don't ever complain about my niceness again or you're dead meat."

In a blink of an eye, the boy is already up, face glowing with pure joy from having gotten his way. "Alright, alright. Fried chicken?" 

"Hell yeah, fried chicken."

  
  
  
  
  


Desperation. That was the only thing that Donghyuck could use as a justification to be entering one of, if not the biggest, house he had ever been to. 

He found a job, but out of all the people that could've accepted his tutoring he expected to be accepted by a rich family the least. After all, why would a someone that wealthy accept a lower rank to teach their sweet precious, also very much rich, child? 

Either way, he was glad, even though he clearly felt uneasy to enter the lions cave head on.

"Good evening, you must be Donghyuck right?" A pretty woman greets him, he had been escorted by a maid from the entrance to what he assumed was the living room. It was big, as in, the same size as his whole apartment. There just was no reason why one's living room should be that big to begin with. 

"Yes, ma'am." He bows. "Lee Donghyuck, rank three."

"It's a pleasure to meet you, i was very happy that you could start helping as soon as possible. I know the semester just started but i don't want my angel to fall behind from the getgo."

"It's understandable, my lady."

She smiles gently and pats the place on the couch next to hers. "You look like a very good kid, i did the right choice." The woman's smile widens when Donghyuck complies and sits next to her. "Relax! My son is very playful, he's not hard to get along with whatsoever."

"You're very kind, thank you." Donghyuck bows with his head only and gives her his best smile, if there was one thing he was good at was sucking up to people. Not that the woman wasn't genuinely kind, but she was still tainted red in the boy's eyes. An enemy. 

"Hello mama!" Someone shouts and then a series of loud footsteps follow. Donghyuck snaps out of his thoughts in time to see a boy run up to the woman full speed and pull her into a tight hug. "Finally you let me take a break from studying." 

"Don't say such things." She hisses. "And it's for your own good."

The boy turns his head to the side and, when his eyes meet Donghyuck's, his grin widens even more — Donghyuck still couldn't believe that was physically possible. "Oh! You must be my tutor." He gets off his mother's embrace to come closer and greet him properly. "Good luck, apparently i'm a lost case and society will toss me aside if i don't pass my exams."

"Chenle!" The lady screeches, the gentleness of before suddenly gone. "Behave."

The boy doesn't acknowledge his mother and keeps the smile on his face as he stretches his arm so Donghyuck could shake his hand. "Don't look so much like a scared cat, i don't bite anymore."

"Anymore?!" Donghyuck blurts out and then snaps his lips together immediately. 

"Oh yeah, i don't know i had a habit of biting everything when i was younger. It's gone now don't worry, but if you act too cute i might get the urges back so drop that puppy face already!" 

By their side, the woman's entire body sags. Her face of pure exasperation is more comical than any of the words coming out of the boy's uncensored mouth. 

"Alright, i already spent too long out of my room _not studying._ " He steals a quick glance at his mother and then smirks. "So we should get going, waste of time is a big no no!" 

Donghyuck doesn't reply, instead he allows himself to be dragged away. The trip to the boy's room is insanely long, considering they were navigating inside someone's house not a _goddamm_ palace. There was something quite sad about the entire place though, the emptiness, the lack of furniture, the cleanness, it felt terribly cold in his heart. He had always thought he'd resent higher rankings for their luxurious houses, but perhaps he had been wrong all along.

"Here we are." Chenle says when they walk inside a room filled with a bunch of baseball themed merch. It was interesting, in Donghyuck's eyes rich kids simply weren't allowed to have a personality out of their richness, so it felt brand new to see a semblance of normality. Chenle was just a boy, an ordinary boy, a filthy rich one at that. "My home, basically." It was, in fact, big enough to be one of the homes to the poorest University students, but Chenle probably wasn't conscious of such things. "Feel at home, you'll spend many hours here from now on."

"You're going to need to show me what you've been learning so far, then we can get started."

"Sure thing captain, enjoy!" He giggles while collecting his things on top of the table. Donghyuck watches as the pile grows in size with increasingly more wide eyes, how could he already have to teach so much when school had begun mere two weeks prior? He was appalled. The poor kid. 

"Wow okay."

"Yeah." He says smugly. "You get it now."

He does, but Donghyuck wouldn't be Donghyuck if he gave up on a good challenge. Especially when it paid well. So he shrugs and smiles back just as smugly. "Let's crack on with it right away then."

  
  
  
  
  


By the time he reaches home, Donghyuck is beyond exhausted. 

He had spent hours on end working his brain off trying to understand the subjects quickly and then find ways to explain it to Chenle. Whatever they taught higher ranks, it was hell. Never in his life had he learnt those things, whenever something appeared to be familiar, it'd always turn out to be harder than what he had been taught in high school. 

All in all, the experience was terrible. It had been far too many hours of him constantly forcing his brain to do the most, but there was no way in hell he'd quit. He needed the money badly, and he doubted he'd get a higher paying job anywhere else anyways considering his rank. He'd just have to get used to it, surely it wouldn't be too hard. 

As he heads towards his apartment's door, daydreaming of jumping onto his bed and sleeping into oblivion, he begins hearing voices. They didn't come from the TV that Johnny often left on to make the apartment feel less void of company, these were different. 

"Oh Hyuck!" Johnny greets with rosy cheeks and a way too wide smile after Donghyuck unlocks the door and steps inside. "I sent you messages asking if i could bring people over but you didn't reply, but i hope this is okay? You look half dead buddy." 

The boy sighs then throws his bag somewhere near the entrance before slamming the door shut. "Yup, work is hard." He whines.

Johnny does grabby hands, silently requesting for him to get closer so he could comfort him. The man's embrace always managed to help him feel better, often he'd forget it was Johnny and not his dad that was rocking his body back and forth while whispering soothing words. 

Donghyuck sits on his lap and that's when he sees the two men laying on the floor that had been previously been hidden by the couch. "This is Jaehyun." Johnny introduces while pointing at one of them, the one that seemed to be passed out already. "And Doyoung." The other had his head on the sleeping man's stomach, he winks at him and does a peace sign before closing his eyes again. 

"Is Jaehyun alright?" 

"Oh he's just got a crap alcohol tolerance but always tests his limits like the dumbass he is." Doyoung cackles. 

Johnny reaches out for the half empty bottle on the floor, careful so that Donghyuck wouldn't slid off his lap and then hands it to the boy. "Rough day? This helps." 

"I'm not an alcoholic."

"And? It helps you relax, you'll sleep like a baby afterwards."

Part of him wants to say no, the other knew that he deserved some fun after those rough few weeks. Plus, he didn't have classes the next day as it was a Friday. 

He licks his lips and then shrugs. "Fuck it i guess."

  
  
  


Jaehyun wakes up eventually. There was something about him that made Donghyuck not be able to look away, he seemed awfully familiar to _someone_. His brain was far too tired though, and the alcohol sure didn't help him think faster, so he gives up on trying to figure out who he reminded him of. Still, it bugged him the whole night. 

"Oh i remember when we were teens." Jaehyun sighs lovingly, his body swings from left to right as the mans speaks. "Easier times."

"There he goes again." Doyoung groans and Johnny laughs. 

"Everytime Jae gets drunk he becomes nostalgic, if he starts crying in a few minutes don't mind him." He explains to Donghyuck while Doyoung busies himself by stabbing his heel on Jaehyun's chest. 

Donghyuck wants to laugh, but he too had been plagued with nostalgia. There was not a day he didn't wish for everything to be a bad dream. He hoped that, somehow, he'd wake up and he was still home. He'd get ready to go to school and be with Jeno, then return home and cuddle his parents as they chatted about their day. He didn't need alcohol to feel suffocated by the wish to return to the past, Jaehyun was already better off than him in that aspect. 

"Remember when we met, Doyoung? I was so obsessed with you, i think you thought i was a weirdo." He chuckles sadly and the other finally pauses his attack. 

There was something there. Donghyuck was sleepy, his brain slow, eyes nearly shut, but even then it was more than obvious that those words carried a hidden emotion within. The air seems to thicken, nobody speaks, Jaehyun keeps his gaze locked on Doyoung and then, finally, Johnny coughs. 

"I really don't feel like seeing you cry, so i say it's time to hit the sack y'all." He chuckles, though Donghyuck could see just how awkward he was acting even if he was trying his best to seem normal. Surely the others could too, if they weren't busy staring at each other with sadness swimming in their eyes. 

_What the fuck is going on?_ Donghyuck thinks to himself. It was as if he was dreaming, nothing quite made sense even if it seemed real enough to be actually happening. Perhaps he had already blacked out, sometimes he'd have the most terrifyingly realistic dreams so it wasn't that much of an unrealistic scenario. 

He's the first to get up, if he had to deal with another second of that confusing yet highly suffocating atmosphere he thought he might actually die. "Good night you guys." Donghyuck grumbles as he drags his feet across the floor, he was too drowsy to walk properly. 

"Night Hyuck." Johnny says, something about his voice sounds off but Donghyuck's brain was already too focused on something else to care. His bed was screaming at him to get to his room as quickly as possible, there was no time to over analyse whatever was going on. 

The other two don't reply. Donghyuck was increasingly more convinced they weren't even real to begin with.

Surely, it had all been merely a dream. 

  
  
  



	5. void

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ❝ Invisible wounds are the hardest to heal, for their closure depends upon the love of others, on patience, understanding and the tender gift of time. ❞

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the last chapter without mark in it I PROMISE!!! boredom is over for yall im sowy i shudve planned this better so it wouldn't be as tedious for us both but whatever its already done now (i cut a bunch of fillers from the og plan, yup) 
> 
> hope yall washing your hands well and if your country is in quarantine like mine STAY HOME and read more fics <333 mwah, for whoever is still keeping up w this fic.. i cherish u a whole lot, so stay healthy and take care of yoursel
> 
> ps: @ those who comment, sometimes im not sure how to reply, i try my best but i wish ao3 had a 'love/like button' so i could show that i rlly do appreciate every single feedback im given :-((

**C** henle was a good kid. The only thing that Donghyuck wished the boy would do more often was shut his mouth. 

"What is that?" 

He looks up from his book and sucks in an annoyed sigh, he could barely show any emotion near the boy with fear of doing or saying the wrong thing — Chenle had all the power over him, even if he seemed naive it could easily be all a facade, there was no way in hell he was going to trust him. 

"A book."

"I can see that! But an actual book? A physical copy?! " 

Donghyuck leans back on his chair. "I'm doing literature, this is what we do, what we like doing." 

Chenle's face brightens up immediately. "Oh that's awesome! I never liked books much, i think i'd die of boredom in your classes, but still i find it very intriguing." 

Whether he'd like to admit it or not, the boy was quite endearing. "Things that you don't have will always make you crave them, i suppose." 

"Definitely! I always seem to want more, oh well."

Had it not been for the innocence those words had been spoken with, Donghyuck would've began fuming on the spot. He remains silent however, and closes his book. Chenle eventually goes back to doing his exercises but only after the older glares at him — that had become one of their codes. The amount of times the boy managed to get distracted in just twenty minutes was baffling, Donghyuck thought he had concentration problems but Chenle was on another new level. 

He drowns himself in his thoughts to escape the boredom of having nothing better to do than observe Chenle work. 

Yuri had asked him if he wanted to hang out that weekend, finally there was something to look forward to, Donghyuck was getting quite bored of spending his weekends working or studying. They didn't plan anything special, Yuri needed company for her semestral shopping spree and how could Donghyuck say no when she had helped him so much already. Plus, he _really_ wanted to do something out of the ordinary for once in months.

His eyes drift towards the clock. "Been two hours, you should take a break."

In a split second, Chenle had already stood up, ready to something more interesting than solve equations. "Let's play with Joong!" 

Joong, the big fluffy brown dog that always greeted him by covering every inch of his hand with its saliva whenever Donghyuck came by, was probably what Chenle considered to be his best friend. Whenever the boy had free time, he'd always chase around the house to find where the animal might be, and when break time was over, ungluing the two turned out to be harder than separating magnets. 

Donghyuck trails behind the boy with a fond smile on his face, he couldn't help but find many of Chenle's quirks adorable. He tried to dislike the boy, but it was quite hard. Still, he hated the house, the maids, and even if the parents were nice he hadn't grown a liking for them either. He hated all of the wealth surrounding him, but Chenle was ordinary. His view of life yet to be tainted. Donghyuck hoped that his innocence would remain untainted for many years to come. 

"There he is!" The boy exclaims as they step into the garden. 

Joong, who was laying on the green grass taking a nap under the warm sunshine, opens his eyes immediately at the sound of company. Just like his owner, the pet was incredibly hyperactive and seemed to detest being alone for too long, the two of them together were chaotic but a perfect fit nevertheless. 

Donghyuck sits on the bench nearby, he never joined in much with the fun, only when either of the two decided to acknowledge his presence. He'd much rather observe, soak in everything — the scenario and the giggles flowing out of the boy's mouth. It was a great melody, other's happiness made Donghyuck feel better as if by osmosis, especially considering he was lacking that specific emotion within his sad core. 

It had been quite some time since he felt true happiness flood his body — the type that makes one feel they're flying, that make life seem worth something. 

He kept going with his routine however much it hurt, however lonely he felt. 

For his parents, always. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


As he lays in bed alone, TV playing the background mixed with the sound of Johnny clinking his spoon against his mug while he stirred his tea, a wave of loneliness hits him straight in the chest. 

He moves to his side and cuddles his pillow to get a semblance of company. Whenever he felt that way, he'd reach out to Jeno, but Donghyuck had begun feeling like a tumor in his best friend's life. Every time they spoke he found himself whining about his struggles and barely giving the other space to share his happiness with him. He knew why he did it — as much as Jeno's happiness was his own, he also felt terribly jealous of him. 

Donghyuck had never felt so ugly inside out in all his life as he did ever since his life changed so drastically. Whenever he tried to set those dark emotions free, he always seemed to fail, they'd return almost as if immediately. 

Life felt suffocating. Donghyuck missed himself. 

So, with no Jeno to talk to, he found himself being swallowed up by what he could only describe as void. His insides were empty, his brain static, Donghyuck couldn't believe he was truly alive to begin with. 

His phone dings. The boy doesn't move for quite some time, he couldn't find the energy to do so. He wasn't sure how much time had passed before he finally decides to stretch his arm out and grab the device, but the sounds that once came from outside his room had stopped, the apartment was dead silent. It was past midnight for sure. 

He unlocks his phone and checks his notifications, it's Jisung. A pang of guilt strikes within, he had totally forgotten to keep in touch with the younger boy. So many months had passed already but time seemed to go by so quickly and yet so slow, it was hard to speak to anyone who wasn't in touch with him in real life since, the second his classes ended, he had to work, and after that was done as well, Donghyuck barely had any motivation for anything that didn't involve him sleeping in his bed. 

  
  
  


**_Jisoong:_** _How've you been? Miss you :-(_

  
  
  


A single tear rolls down his cheek. It felt nice to be remembered, though he didn't deem himself worthy of such as he was incapable of thinking of anyone else for the time being. Still, his heart grows warmer, the void gets replaced with fondness even if for a short while. 

  
  
  


**_You_ ** **:** _I'm really sorry Sungie, this new life has taken over me but i promise i didn't forget you_

**_You:_ ** _I miss you terribly_

  
  
  


Donghyuck doesn't expect a reply until later that day but it comes mere seconds later with yet another piercing notification sound that makes him flinch. 

  
  
  


**_Jisoong:_ ** _That's totally fine!! I was wondering, when will you get some free time? Maybe we could meet._

  
  
  


Exams were just around the corner however, once those were out of the way, he'd get nearly a month vacation to do as he pleased — if he did well the first around, that was, otherwise he'd need to stay longer to redo the exams. Donghyuck was hopeful he'd at least pass all, but he couldn't be certain considering the corrections' standards had increased significantly compared to his high school days. 

He had been working extra hard though, he could only hope his hard work would pay off. 

  
  
  
  


**_You:_ ** _I'd love that! I'll have a vacation in a month or so, is that okay by you?_

  
  


**_Jisoong:_ ** _Yup :p Can't wait for you to come see me :) Call me sometime, if you need anything_

  
  


**_You:_ ** _And you? Everything okay?_

  
  


**_Jisoong:_ ** _Same old, it wasn't me that moved across country_

  
  
  
  


Donghyuck snorts, the younger always managed to make him feel better. He could hear Jisung's playful tone even through text, it was familiar — Donghyuck found it humiliating to think that such a tiny detail could bring him so much comfort. 

  
  
  
  


**_You:_ ** _Glad you're okay, but you should really sleep_

  
  


**_Jisoong:_ ** _Yea okay mom. Goodnight, but seriously, call me whenever!!_

  
  


**_You:_ ** _I will I will, SLEEP!_

  
  
  
  


He remains with his eyes trained on the screen even after the word 'offline' appears next to the boy's contact name. Minutes later, his screen turns black and loneliness strikes once more. 

Suddenly, a specific face pops into his brain. It flashes only for a split second but Donghyuck knows exactly who it had been. He begins crying without even realising it, his face becomes sticky and his eyes sensitive adding onto how terrible he already felt. 

It wasn't quite nostalgia but something close to it that flooded his system. The one person he so desperately tried to forget the existence of had returned to haunt him. Donghyuck believed he had managed to move on, however that would've been too good to be true. Of course it was unrealistic, of course it was all a product of repressed thoughts and emotions. 

He cries and cries and still Mark's face refused to fade back into the dark corners of his brain where it had resided for months on end. 

The memories pester him the whole night like a plague, it is only when the sun begins to rise that his body finally succumbs to exhaustion. 

Still, even then, he dreams of him, as if cursed. 

  
  



	6. you again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ❝ It's quite an undertaking to start loving somebody. You have to have energy, generosity, blindness. There is even a moment right at the start where you have to jump across an abyss: if you think about it you don't do it. ❞

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chap kinda ends a bit abruptly but thats bc if i kept going itd get way longer n itd take me ages to update so id rather split things up hhh

" **T** hey want me to go to their fancy party." Donghyuck blurts out, then realises Yuri was probably just as well off as Chenle. He missed being allowed to be bitter as much as he pleased without fearing it'd offend someone. 

"Really? You're their son's tutor, didn't know that gave you special treatment." She looked genuinely surprised, as he had been as well when Chenle's mother first mentioned it. 

"I guess because it's starting when i'll still be teaching him, they had no other choice?" 

"They could've told you to leave through the back door, though."

Donghyuck sighs. "You're right. I don't know, i guess it's a thank you, but isn't that what money's supposed to be? Oh well."

"Overly nice people scare me. Stay safe."

"You  _ are  _ an overly nice person. Should i be scared?"

"Duh! Foshure. I was actually thinking of selling bits of your body to the black market for extra cash, there's this concert i'm planning to attend to and all."

He snorts and threatens to throw a bit of his food at her. Though he tries to change topic and forget how anxious the party subject made him feel, it's all wasted effort. Donghyuck doesn't own a suit, the fanciest clothes he had in his closet weren't even  _ that  _ expensive looking at all at all. 

"Stop that." Yuri scolds and then sighs when the boy looks at her with a confused expression. "You're chewing on you lip so hard i think it'll bleed. What's up? Still thinking about the party?" 

"This is… Humiliating, but i really don't have anything i can wear."

Yuri frowns. Donghyuck knew she often forgot he wasn't a high ranking person like her, and he sure hated reminding her of that small, yet so big detail. 

"I guess you could rent one? I don't have a brother otherwise i would've lent you one, but i doubt you'd fit in my dad's suits."

"Do they… cost a lot?" 

"We'd have to see!" 

Donghyuck stares at her for some a while then bursts out laughing. "Did you just try to make me go on a shopping spree with you again?" The girl shrugs but the corners of her mouth twitch as she suppressed a grin. "Unbelievable, but i accept. It was fun last time anyways."

"See! You just pretend you're a hater."

Truth was, Donghyuck had never been a avid shopper all his life, not necessarily because he didn't enjoy it, rather he felt guilty using any kind of money on things he considered to be luxuries. The only inessential goods he'd waste money on were books, or old artifacts, otherwise he'd much rather keep his money to himself. Being with Yuri meant he could merely watch and still have an excuse to roam around shopping malls observing all of the things he wished he could afford. 

And, yet again, an ugly emotion spreads across his whole body, it runs from his heart to the tip of his fingers, every bit of his being becomes consumed by it before he can attempt to stop it from happening. 

What an odd thing, to fear oneself. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


It's Jaemin, he's so sure of it. 

Yuri had gone inside the cafe to get herself something to eat before they headed to the mall to get Donghyuck a suit he could use for Chenle's parents party. The boy decided to wait outside instead knowing full well that, since most people were done with their classes, it'd be overflowing with hungry students waiting to be served. 

That's when he sees him. Parallel to where Donghyuck was, near to the Linguistics department's door, stood the tall, lean figure of what he swore to be Jaemin. His hair colour was different, he had dyed making it look like caramel dripping down his head when the sun rays shone on the strands. But Donghyuck knew that posture, he knew that body, it was too familiar to be a coincidence, and it wouldn't be too far fetched to believe Jaemin went to college in their capital. It was expected, actually. 

He freezes on the spot, if the boy turned around he'd be sure to lock eyes with him, but Donghyuck finds himself unable to look away. He wants to be sure, but the thought of getting 'caught' provoked bile to rise up. 

"Hyuck." Yuri calls and, finally, his body relaxes. 

It wasn't as if Yuri somehow gave him invisibility powers, but at least, if Jaemin were to approach him, he wouldn't feel so anxious. 

"Ready?" He asks, voice still weak. 

The girl nods, but Donghyuck could tell from the way her eyebrows were slightly furrowed that she could sense something was off, eventually she'd pop the question, so he beats her to it. 

"Think i saw someone that i know."

"Is that bad?" 

He purses his lips.  _ Was it?  _ There was no reason as to why he should feel so nervous to see Jaemin around, the only plausible reason he could think of was fear of the possibility of having been caught by the boy months prior while he vandalised the wall. To that day he had no idea if it really had been Jaemin who had seen him, it was too far dark to be sure. But Donghyuck didn't quite feel like a kid who had been caught causing trouble, it was a different kind of nervousness.

"I don't know." The boy surrenders, he couldn't figure it out the reason he didn't want Jaemin acknowledging his existence. If it was fear, or part of his wish to forget the trials, or if he felt ashamed of his rank since Jaemin knew the truth when most people didn't. Was it the exposure? He really couldn't tell, so he gives up. "Let's just go."

Yuri nods, she understood well when topics should be dropped or not, Donghyuck was grateful for that. The girl never pushed her boundaries or came across as pushy, she was just trying to help, and clearly there was nothing she could do for him. 

She was smart, very much so. Donghyuck didn't expect any less from a rank one, though. 

Before he follows her leads, the boy takes one last glance at Jaemin, and observes the boy as he throws his head back in laughter from something his friend had said. In the midst of a confusing avalanche of emotions, he does distinguish one. 

Fondness. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


The suit was boring, nothing that'd make him stand out. Donghyuck supposed that wasn't a bad thing in the big picture, he wasn't going to the party to make a grand appearance, he was just being polite. Declining such an invitation would give him a very negative reputation, after all he just had to roam around the house, eat here and there, then go home after some hours. 

He tries his best to not wrinkle his fit, even if he probably looked comical walking down the street with his suit in a hanger inside a long plastic bag. Before the party begun he still had to tutor Chenle, so it'd probably look more ridiculous to the Zhongs if he showed up prepared already. Or not, frankly Donghyuck wasn't sure about any of the high rank's etiquette. 

"Donghyuck!" Someone calls out to him as he head towards the entrance of the big house. When he looks up, he finds Chenle with half of his body outside of the window, waving at him as if they hadn't seen each other for months. "You excited?" 

He quirks his eyebrows as he rings the doorbell so the maid would open the gate. "You're going to fall! Can't you wait till i get there?" 

The boy pouts. Chenle's childlike behaviour always took him by surprise, even Jisung, who was younger, didn't seem to be able to act do innocently. He knew why the boy was that way, and even though he was glad he got to have the privilege of experiencing genuine happiness, he also  _ really  _ just wanted everyone to get that same opportunity. Especially Jisung whom he considered to be too anxious for his age. 

Decorations had really been hung inside the house, it seemed the maids were almost done with their job and it looked absolutely breathtaking. He had never seen something like it in his whole life, perhaps not even in movies, it was spectacular — as if the house wasn't already magical during regular basis. 

"Good evening, Donghyuck." Chenle's mother greets with a wide smile. "You like it?" 

"Like?! It's… Indescribable."

Her eyes crinkle up. "Oh you're really so sweet. I hope you have a fun night, but for now i wish you luck trying to get anything into my son's brain. He's so excited for what's to come after his lesson that he hasn't sat down and started working yet, and trust me i've tried to make him work."

Donghyuck chuckles with amusement but also worry because he knew just how hyper the boy could get, and just how difficult it was to show enough authority to make him stop and yet not too much so that he'd be crossing the line. 

_ What a headache. _

He heads towards Chenle's room, dreading the second he'd be greeted by the loud, dog-like boy. As much as he had grown a soft spot for him, it was still pretty hard to not get annoyed, especially when he was constantly exhausted by everything and everyone around him. University life was hard, he missed being a kid.

"IS THAT YOUR SUIT?!" As expected, the first thing Chenle does is yell. Donghyuck blinks back at him, he doesn't need to reply. "Ahhh, it needs something to bring some spice to it… I got some little accessories we can use to boost you up."

Donghyuck opens his mouth to reassure him that it wasn't needed, but the boy doesn't shut up for long enough for him to get the opportunity to do so. 

"Gold would suit you… I'm so excited, you'll let me doll you up right?" 

"If you work hard for the next two hours, then yes."

That does the trick. The boy sits down immediately, his demeanor changes in a split second, so quickly Donghyuck has to blink to make sure he wasn't seeing things. 

"Start, the quicker we work, the faster i can get my hands on you."

Donghyuck snorts but doesn't mention anything related to the party again and thankfully, neither does Chenle. His plan had worked wonderfully. 

  
  
  
  
  


He didn't know for just how long Chenle had been playing with his hair but the chatter from downstairs had increased significantly already. They were late, if that was even possible considering they were already in the house to begin with, but Donghyuck was starting to feel terrible about it. After all, he was a guest, and a guest that was probably asked to be there out of pity, least he could do was be present on time. 

"Chenle…" He tries but the boy hushes him immediately. "You really don't have to make me look like one of you guys."

The boy pauses. "What does that mean?"

"A rank one. I'm not and that's okay, your mother knows i wouldn't come dressed as if i'm walking down the red carpet."

Chenle, who had been behind him fixing a curly strand that refused to be tamed, moved to the front so their gazes meet. "We're not rank one, though. So?" He quirks his eyebrow, his expression was a mix of confusion and a sprinkle of annoyance. Donghyuck didn't quite understand why. 

"Okay rank two, whatever, makes almost no difference." Though he could've sworn rank two were not that wealthy, then again he didn't have much experience. 

The boy tilts his head. "We aren't rank two."

Donghyuck's eyes widen. That just made no sense, how could it be? If they lived so luxuriously, how could it possibly be? "Of course you didn't know, i don't know why i thought you would."

"What?"

Chenle cracks a smile, he looks terribly smug and Donghyuck kind of wants to flick his forehead for that. He feels stupid for having no idea of what the hell the boy was going on about. 

"Rank four, duh." His smirk widens. "Dad has mental capacity of a rank one though, i don't remember our life from before, by the time i was born my family's business was already thriving so they moved to here when i was four and left everything else behind."

Donghyuck can only blink back, he doesn't know what to say, cases like those were so rare that he thought they didn't  _ actually  _ happen. Apparently they did, if what Chenle was saying was true, that was. Then again why'd one lie about being a rank lower than they actually were, only if to poke fun at him. 

"Either way, i'm not supposed to tell that to anyone. But since you're a rank three, i assume you won't find it disgraceful or something." The boy resumes his task of fixing Donghyuck's hair, he seemed so mature suddenly, Donghyuck had never heard his voice be so serene. "I assume that's why they picked you."

"Because i'm a low rank?" 

"Yeah. I guess they'd find it too humiliating if a higher rank found out the truth, things like these shouldn't leak out." Chenle drifts his eyes lower so they lock with Donghyuck's. "If its a lower rank that rats us out, then they'll be seen as just rumours. That's how it works isn't it?" 

The sudden change in the boy's tone gave him whiplash, it was such a drastic difference from the usual bubbly Chenle. It saddened him, when he thought about it for a bit, for he truly believed the boy to have his innocence intact. Seeing things from this new perspective, the boy's behaviour was probably a mere defense mechanism. What a depressing realisation that was. 

"Think it's done." He says, the corner of his lips curled up in a weak smile. 

Donghyuck stares at his reflection. His black suit was plain, but with the little touches of gold Chenle had sprinkled all over the outfit, it didn't look as basic as it once did. On his right wrist, the boy had slipped in a gold bracelet that shone whenever light hit, on his chest there was a yellow brooch in the shape of a feather, and finally, the cherry on top, an also yellow handkerchief poked out of the pocket of his jacket. Those tiny details made such a big difference, as much as Donghyuck told himself he didn't mind not standing out, truth was he still wished to feel beautiful just like everybody else. 

And now he did. 

"It looks so good, you did an amazing job." Donghyuck compliment as he analyses his hair closely. Chenle had gelled it up, but enough to look as if a cow had licked his hair, it was still somewhat casual. He couldn't be happier with his looks, after so long of hating the reflection staring back at him, Donghyuck finally feels proud of his appearance. He was still far too skinny, his eyes sunken, but the rest made all of that seem insignificant. 

"See! You shouldn't have nagged me so much, i knew what i was up to."

"But now we're late."

"It's my own party, plus it's mostly adults chatting about business. You didn't miss much."

He sits on the boy's bed. Chenle had yet to fix his hair, he had spent way too long on Donghyuck which made him feel guilty though he knew he had whined nonstop for the other to give up on making him look perfect. 

"Then why were you so excited?" 

"Parties are exciting! There's still people our age that are forced to tag along, so it's always a blast once we manage to break free from the hags."

"Hags!" Donghyuck barks out a laugh. 

"That's what they are, man i just wanna have some fun, i don't care about the stock market, or whatever."

Donghyuck grins. If he was fond of Chenle before, now that feeling had only tripled after knowing the boy wasn't just another high rank with a perfect life. Of course he barely knew how life as a rank four was truly like, but it was comforting nevertheless. 

There was a bond, it was faint and still too shaky, but it was there. 

  
  
  
  
  


His love/hate relationships with alcohol only grew stronger each time he got drunk. It seemed the effects it had on him worsened, but he could've sworn he had heard people say it'd go the other way around. Perhaps it was because he felt more confident to chug down stronger drinks now, but he still never expected the consequences. It was all his own stupidity, he knew so, but with no one else to blame other than himself, he'd rather blame the forsaken liquid. 

"Alcohol aint shit." He grumbles with his head on Chenle's shoulder. 

There were quite a few young looking people around, he watched them as they walked past with their arrogant faces, judging every detail of the house as if it was the most entertaining thing there was to do. For them, it probably was. 

Learnt behaviour. Donghyuck had seen tons of it around already, living in the midst of high ranks was a living hell for his sanity, even if someone seemed to be cool at first, they always blurted out a comment that was clearly passed down generations. He wanted to yell at them to think for themselves for once, but instead he remained quiet every single time. Like a coward. 

"You good?" Chenle asks softly and Donghyuck hums. 

He wasn't doing too bad, however it still felt as if nothing was real. So much so that he could've sworn he had just seen Mark walk towards the kitchen. It didn't phase him, he knew his subconscious missed the boy, it was no wonder his drunken brain had made him think of something he desperately ran away from. 

"I'm good." He responds while nuzzling his face on the crook of the boy's neck. 

When he opens his eyes, he sees his face. Mark's face. As if he's really there, staring at him with his doe eyes and fluffy black hair, but Donghyuck isn't a fool. He stares back blankly, admiring the boy's face while his brain allowed him to. There were no pictures he could sob to, only the memories that already began fading. So he appreciated the view even if it hurt. 

"Hyuck." Mark calls, he's closer now, crouched in front of him, hand hovering over Donghyuck's knee hesitantly. "Is he okay?" 

"He said he's fine just now, he didn't even drink that much."

"Did he eat beforehand?" 

"I forced him to."

Donghyuck frowns. His brain was creative, but never that realistic, and Chenle was right, he hadn't drank enough to be hallucinating. He sits upright and looks at Chenle besides him then at Mark. His eyes shoot right open. "No way."

"What?" The rank four looks awfully confused. 

"Donghyuck-" 

"I thought, wait." Donghyuck closes his eyes and rubs his eyelids frantically, but when he opens them again, Mark is still there, looking as worried as ever. "It can't be."

"Hey, are you sure you're okay?" Chenle pouts. "And how do  _ you  _ know his name?" He asks to Mark this time. 

"Trials." 

Mark never shifts his attention off Donghyuck which makes it extremely hard for the other to calm himself down, because not only was he shocked and confused, he too had to deal with the butterflies going batshit crazy inside his stomach. He was malfunctioning, to say the least. 

"I need a moment." Donghyuck announces as he gets up, a few of his joints crack, which makes him wanna hide in a hole even more.  _ Hell  _ he was supposed to be sporty, he got a scholarship from completing all his trials for the love of god. 

Surprisingly, nobody tries to stop him as he zigzags his way to Chenle's room. He opens the door and then closes it behind him, it was a pity that he looked so good because he was planning on blacking out on the boy's bed. All he wanted was to wake up next morning only to realise it had all been a drunken dream. 

It wasn't. 

The door clicks open and then closes once more. Donghyuck barely had the energy to move his body just enough to check who the 'intruder' was. 

Mark stands by the entrance as if frozen. He knows the boy wants to speak, he can tell by the way his face looked so tense and his shoulders weren't sagged down as usual. 

"Say it." He mumbles. 

"I-" Mark starts, his voice comes slightly higher than usual so he clears his throat. "I've been missing you for months and now that i finally get to see you, you run away like that. I know it's the alcohol fucking you up but please can we at least talk for a bit." He rambles so fast that his phrases almost blur into one another in a big singular word.  _ Cute  _ Donghyuck thinks to himself. "I know you moved on already but can i please have this? You can talk about yourself only i don't mind."

"Sit." Donghyuck orders and Mark complies. 

He wants to cry, he wants to cry until his body is limp and he becomes dehydrated. Not sad tears though, happiness burst inside his chest, not only because Mark was really there, but because his feelings had finally been validated with such simple words. Suddenly he doesn't feel as stupid anymore, Mark missed him too. 

"Life's been shit ever since we went our own ways." Donghyuck admits, his voice muffled by the pillow he held close to his mouth. 

"Life was only good with you to begin with." 

Just like that, every bad emotion that had thus so far been devouring his insides seems to dissipate. He can only feel pure joy. He knows the alcohol only made everything feel stronger and dreamier, but it had been so long since he could genuinely say he was content. 

And that's all it took. 

One person. 

Mark.


	7. passion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ❝ Yet, the one thing we could not do without, could never be bought, no matter how generous the terms, and it was love.
> 
> Love, in all its forms. Precious, fragile and enduring. The priceless gift that made our lives worthwhile, invisibly upholding us, demanding no repayment, offered in silence, more precious than gold. ❞

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god im so sorry that it took me almost month to write this but its one of those scenes that i gotta be in a specific mood to get it done yknow #rip  
> thank you so much for all the feedback in the last chapter <3 
> 
> for anyone that's fasting, this chapter is nsfr, think i should state that just in case!

**I** t doesn’t quite feel real, not even after Donghyuck spills his heart out to Mark and tells him all about the sadness that moving so far away from home had brought him. Somehow, it’s as if they’re still in the rank one’s dorm during trials, just chatting about life, lost in time. Mark listens well, always had, he nods and hums, only when input is needed is when he speaks up. Donghyuck had to admit that he missed moments such as those, he missed the boy far more than he had allowed himself to believe.

“How about you?” He asks.

Mark was still sitting near him while Donghyuck lay on the bed looking up at the ceiling while he spoke. The space between them had begun to annoy Donghyuck so he moves closer until they’re touching. 

“Life’s same thing as it used to be, you’ve already heard all about it.”

The boy looks tense all of a sudden, he fidgets with his fingers and shakes his leg restlessly. Donghyuck frowns. “What’s wrong?”

“What do you mean?”

He sits up and turns so he’s facing Mark, they stare into each other’s eyes for a few seconds before the other looks away to focus on his hands. “That. Why won’t you look at me?”

Mark opens his mouth, then closes it immediately. Donghyuck could see him flex his jawline from time to time, but still no words come out. He doesn’t push him though, the boy was clearly working up the courage to say what he needed to and, even if it took all night, Donghyuck was willing to wait.

“If i look.” Mark blurts out then licks his lips. “I might kiss you by impulse.”

“Okay.” Donghyuck snorts. “And?”

The other looks at him wide eyed, it was always a comical view considering Mark possessed such big, round eyes to begin with. It was even funnier considering Donghyuck couldn’t understand why the boy would be so shocked that he wouldn’t pull away from a kiss considering they had done far more than that previously, even if had been quite a few months ago, feelings don’t just vanish like that.

“Stop looking so damn surprised, i told you life’s shit without you and you have the nerve to still assume my feelings just went  _ poof. _ ”

“Feelings?”

“Mark for the love of god.”

He blinks a few times then lets his head hang low, Donghyuck could still see the faint pink tint that had begun adorning his cheeks though. Mark wasn’t entirely sober just yet, that was for sure, he was acting softer than usual — and that was saying something. 

“If you’re not going to kiss me i might as well just leave.” Donghyuck says, pretending to be dead serious. He wobbles his way towards the entrance, but just as he was turning the doorknob, Mark flips him around and pushes him against the door. 

“You’re still a brat, i see.”

“Sure am.”

The boy's proximity is exhilarating, his familiar fragrance swirls in between their bodies, it's cosy, warm yet fresh, it's Mark's. Everything related to him triggered nothing but positive sensations, Donghyuck wasn't sure if he had been so enamoured with the other when they had parted, back then touching Mark wasn't that big of a deal, he got to do it daily after all. 

Although he had kept the memories repressed, it was as if all those emotions had been cooking inside his brain without his consent. Everything surfaced then, as Mark's hands roamed all around his body, searching, craving for something more. 

All of the hurt, the darkness that clung to his soul, it all becomes unimportant as he holds the boy close in his embrace. 

Freedom, it's a taste of a reality where things would be simpler, where his heart wouldn't be hammering inside his chest due to the fear of being found. In an alternative reality there would be no ranks that separated them with an indivisible line, there would be no crime for the innocent emotion of reciprocated fondness, no one would have a say, no one would care. 

Donghyuck closes his eyes, takes in the calming scent once more, and lets his body disconnect from his brain for once. 

"We shouldn't." Mark whispers against the crook of Donghyuck's neck.

"Yes we should."

Their eyes lock once more. Lust. It fills Mark's round dark eyes, Donghyuck already knew that gaze well enough to understand. He grins. 

"Maybe not in Chenle's room."

"Hyuck." He hisses, brows furrowed. 

"Stop overthinking." Donghyuck groans before pulling the other by his tie so that their lips clash. He kisses him senseless, it had been far too long, Mark's lips feel like the potion his body so much needed to return to life. The boy kisses back just as as feverishly, just as needy. Donghyuck had never felt so giddy in his whole life.

"Let me see outside."

While he observes the surroundings through the little crack, Mark agonises him by peppering kisses all over the length of his exposed neck. Donghyuck could barely focus on the simple task of figuring out when it'd be best for them to escape unnoticed to a quieter place in the house. 

"Mark." He whines but doesn't try getting the boy off him either. "It's safe, let's go."

Chenle's house never ceased to amaze him by its magnitude. Someone's house needn't be that big but, for once, he was glad it was. The main party area was closer to the main entrance, the further back they moved, the quieter. Nobody seemed to be around. 

"Wonder what these rooms are all for." He thinks out loud and Mark chuckles. "What are you laughing about? Is this a rich person thing that's beyond my comprehension?" 

"Pretty much."

Before Donghyuck asks anything more, Mark is already opening and closing doors left and right, checking which were bedrooms and which were not. He watches the other with a fond look on his face, every little thing Mark did made him smile involuntarily. 

How liberating it was to finally  _ feel _ . 

Donghyuck trails behind Mark after he hears him giggling from inside the room. "What are you up to?" 

It's one hell of a bedroom. He couldn't tell if it was bigger than Chenle's considering the lack of furniture inside — It was almost empty save for the king sized bed in the far back where Mark lay. 

"Chenle might be richer than i am, my house isn't like this at all."

"A fight to see who shits the most gold coins, i would like to  _ not  _ see it." Donghyuck rolls his eyes. He had almost forgotten Mark wasn't a rank three from his hometown, the way the boy carried himself was far too familiar. 

However modest he was, Donghyuck still felt annoyed to be reminded that he had indeed fallen for a person who was everything he had despised his whole life. He'd much rather love in oblivion. 

Mark moves closer to him. "I missed you." He lowers himself slightly till their noses almost touch. "I missed talking to someone who actually feels real."

Tears threaten to form. Donghyuck's nose tingles but he rubs the sensation away. He still couldn't believe Mark was actually there, it felt like he would wake up at any second and be struck by the depressing reality of his day-to-day life. To have the moment slip away through his fingers just like that would feel worse than any other kind of pain he had suffered thus so far. 

"Are you okay? You seem out of it."

"Sorry, i was thinking." Mark smooches the tip of the boy's nose making them both giggle. "About how much i hope this isn't a dream."

"It's real, i'm real."

"That's what dream Mark would say." Donghyuck squints. "Suspicious."

The other gasps and covers his mouth with his hand. "Oh fuck! He got me."

They laugh and laugh, pure joy flows in Donghyuck's veins and he can't help but let it all out in the form of laughter. He's not laughing at the joke anymore, he doubts Mark is either. 

Finally they stop and remain silently staring into each other's eyes. He had missed when Mark looked at him so intensely, he had missed everything, especially the intimacy they shared even when clothed. Eyes were indeed the window to the soul, and Donghyuck was ready to let Mark see his. 

He doesn't know how and when it had happened, but when he snaps out of it, a pair of lips had already begun covering his jawline with kisses. Mark travel downwards, from his neck to his chest, each kiss burns the skin, spreading warmth all over like wildfire. His body is in flames and he absolutely adores how overwhelming it feels to finally be loved so gently, touched like a lover rather than a son or a friend. 

His jacket gets thrown somewhere behind them. Sweat droplets travel down his temples, he's burning up, so much so that he finds himself unable to breathe properly. 

The other backs away, not because he's done, rather the existence of Donghyuck's shirt seems to bother him far too much. He begins unbuttoning it hurriedly, as if he knew they were running out of time although the party was nowhere near finished just yet. Donghyuck thanked every God above that Mark hadn't merely ripped it by the seams, as hot as that would have been, he still had to return it in a perfectly good state to get some of his money back. 

It's odd to be exposed in that way again. The cool air inside the room hits his skin straight on making him shiver slightly. An easily fixed problem as proven by Mark who doesn't waste time before attacking Donghyuck's chest with his lips once more. It doesn't take too long before he's scorching hot like before. 

He's still out of it. Brain racing with a million thoughts, body shuddering with every touch. Donghyuck thinks he might collapse at any second so he latches his hands on the boy's shoulder for support — probably bit too tightly seeing as Mark hisses mid sucking a hickey on the other's neck.

Next thing he knows they're already in bed, Mark had somehow gotten undressed all the way down to his boxers and was working on freeing the other as well. His hands were shaking, whether form excitement or nervousness Donghyuck couldn't tell, but he finds it endearing nevertheless. 

Mark's touch roams all about, from Donghyuck's thighs to the bottom of his abdomen, the boy was restless. "You good?" 

"Yeah sorry, i missed your body."

A strong urge to cry strikes deep within. Not sad tears, rather Donghyuck felt the need to spill all of the fondness that filled his insides via tears. He had never quite felt that loved and appreciated, it wasn't just due to Mark's words but his actions too, the boy treated him as if he was holy when Donghyuck felt like he was anything but. 

"Come here." He orders, voice already shaken with emotion. 

Mark obeys. Soon enough those eyes Donghyuck so much loved lock with his, they're sparkly, he knows then that the other was tearing up as well. He smiles, and finally a tear begins running down his cheek. 

Reciprocated passion. 

Reciprocated adoration. 

It was hard to believe he had gotten what exactly what he had never expected to receive. Donghyuck had been ready to dedicate his life to a cause that'd allow others to love freely, though he had never believed he could get to experience something alike in his lifetime. 

Mark, as usual, proved him wrong. 

"Can i say i love you?" 

Mark's eyes widen, then a smile forms. "Only if you mean it."

He remembers the tragic backstory the other had shared with him about his snitch ex back in the dorm. The fact that Mark had opened up to him, regardless of how scary it was to put yourself in a place where you could suffer terrible consequences, was mind-blowing to him, but he was grateful. 

"I do." Donghyuck giggles. "I really do."

Mark pecks his lips, then his nose, his cheeks follow, Donghyuck's entire face ends up getting covered in his kisses. "I love you just as much." He runs his fingers through the boy's hair with a tender smile. "Hopefully not more."

"I feel the exact same, i promise." Donghyuck covers Mark's cheek with the palm of his hand and the other leans on it with his eyes closed. "I'm not him."

"You're not." He turns his head so to peck the middle of Donghyuck's palm. "You're unbelievably better."

  
  


It hurts. It hurts so much that he can't help but allow the tears that had formed in his eyes to roll down his cheeks. He feels pathetic, like a child crying over the smallest things, but when he opens his eyes and sees Mark's face filled with worry he calms down. 

Of course it hurt, why would it? They hadn't planned any of it. 

Donghyuck breathes in sharply before extending his arm to wrap his around the boy's neck. "I'm okay."

"You're crying, you should see your face."

Donghyuck pulls Mark down until their lips brush against one another. He smiles weakly before claiming the boy by kissing him deeply, so much so that he too forgets the aching sensation in the place where their bodies met. 

"I wanted it, still do. Just hurts a bit." When Mark quirks his eyebrow, Donghyuck sighs. "A lot, but it'll go away i'm sure."

He expects to get nagged once again, but the boy seemed to have other plans. Mark rubs the tip of his nose against the sensitive skin of the boy's neck before kissing it dearly, he leaves a trail from the very top to his collarbone. Donghyuck closes his eyes again and puts both his hands on top of Mark's head, tugging at the stands whenever the boy ventured lower than he expected or when he'd dare suck instead. 

The plan to distract him works. Donghyuck had managed to relax significantly, his muscles seemed to be made of jelly as he lays on the soft mattress while Mark kisses every inch of his skin. The foreign sensation was no longer intruding, his body welcomes it.

He swallow down thickly before tentatively rolling his hips. A choked up sound comes out of his mouth before he could process it — Donghyuck wants to hide in the nearest hole in embarrassment. Mark halts and i remains with his head pressed against the crook of the other's neck as if frozen. 

"You can move, you know."

"You sure? Seemed you got hurt."

Donghyuck knows Mark was just being considerate, it was in his DNA to think before taking action. He knew the boy was dying to do something, yet he wouldn't. Mark had the patience of a saint. 

"Slowly."

The rank one inhales loudly before moving his hips back and then forwards in the slowest pace possible. Still, that's enough to spark thousands of newfound sensation all over Donghyuck's body. He whines gently but rolls his hips again to show Mark he didn't want him to stop, it was still very uncomfortable but that didn't mean he wasn't willing to keep going until the good bit finally came along. 

Donghyuck had lost track of time. If someone told him it had been one hour since they had found the room, he'd believe it just as much as if it had been three. Everything seemed to be happening sluggishly yet so quick, the excitement of finally allowing himself to give his whole to Mark had ruined any remains of sanity in him. He genuinely felt he was closer to entering another realm each time a wave of pleasure hit. 

Eventually it's not moans that slip through his lips, rather they resemble screams. Mark tries muffling the loud noises with his own mouth pressed against the boy's, but to no avail. Donghyuck was too out of it though and, instead of reciprocating the kiss, he threw his head back in pleasure. "Hyuck." Mark calls out for him desperately. The moment he stops moving, the other whines just like a child throwing a tantrum. "We can't be too loud."

Although he was very much aware of the consequences of their acts, it was hard to keep one's feet on the ground and act rational while simultaneously being stimulated to the point of barely registering anything other than pleasure. He does attempt to o suck down on his bottom lip to keep the noises from slipping away, but they still do nevertheless. 

Mark connects their lips gently once more. Donghyuck savours the realisation that he had become one with the other, the two bridges between their physical selves combined to create a single being with two heartbeats. 

He nibbles on the boy's bottom lip in-between hissing inside his mouth from the waves of pleasure that made his whole body shudder. It's sloppy, a mess of tongues and saliva, surely to a third party the view was anything but beautiful, but Donghyuck was far too busy devouring Mark to care. 

"Uhng." The boy grunts mid kiss. There it was, the familiar sensation at the pit of his stomach, the bubbling that threatened to erupt inside of him at any second. 

Somehow, Mark manages to understand what the incoherent noises meant. He begins places kisses all over Donghyuck's face before quickening his pace with the remains of energy he had left to use. His eyes never leave the other's face, he observes intensely as the boy's eyebrows knit together and his mouth hangs open allowing broken sobs to fill the otherwise quiet room. In fact, he becomes to engrossed in all of it, that he too forgets he shouldn't allow Donghyuck to be loud, but it was too late, the other had already moaned at the top of his lungs when Mark snaps out of it. 

He resumes his task of painting Donghyuck's skin with loving kisses. First his neck, then his chest that rose and fell rapidly as the boy panted. "Thank you." Mark whispers against the shell of the other's ear. 

Donghyuck places his hand on the back of the boy's neck and carefully massages his nape in silence for quite some time. "For what?" 

"Giving me strength, and a motive."

"A motive?" 

Mark deflates, his body molds against Donghyuck's. "To live." His voice had become extremely small, almost inaudible. "Life lacked purpose without you in it."

He's crying. He doesn't realise it until his cheek feels cold from the wet patch connecting his eye to his earlobe, but once he does, he doesn't wipe the tear away. "Thank you as well." Donghyuck croaks out. "For being the colour missing in my life." 

They kiss. Again and again, everywhere they possibly could, a silent praise until finally their tired souls give in to the exhaustion. 

  
  



	8. so what's stopping you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ❝ See the hope, see the promise. Never hide your fears in silence. Listen to those you cherish. Hold them in your arms. Let them hear your heart. Tell your truth. Tell your story. Tell your love. ❞

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a short chapter, but hey, next one is filled with markhyuck so it makes up for it i assume

**T** he sound of a door slamming shut jerks him awake. Donghyuck blinks sleepily, confused as to where he was to begin with. 

Then it all comes crashing down. 

He hiccups. For quite some time, his brain is blank, void of thoughts. It felt real, yet it didn't. Upon a closer look, he finds that his body had been painted with marks all over. That surely helped him accept reality more easily, but even then it was still hard to believe. 

Mark was nowhere to be seen, Donghyuck faintly reminded waking up for a few seconds by the other as he kissed him goodbye. 

Of course he hadn't stayed, Donghyuck should already been gone for a while now as well. 

There was no way of telling the time. Could still be seven, could already be past lunch time, but for his sake he hoped it wasn't too late so that it wouldn't appear as if he was abusing his privileges.

He gets dressed, his shirt was terribly wrinkly. Instead of looking formal Donghyuck just felt he looked stupid. His normal clothes had been left in Chenle's room though and he couldn't roam around in his underwear all the way there, that was unthinkable. 

There's no one in the halls, as expected. Donghyuck had already started to memorize his way around the mansion so thankfully it didn't take long for him to get to Chenle's door. He bites his lip, the boy had always been kind to him, but Donghyuck couldn't help but feel anxious anyways. 

He wraps his fingers around the cold doorknob and twists it slowly so to not make much noise. Chenle's nowhere to be seen. The room is empty. That both makes Donghyuck feel better and worse. Perhaps he could get out of the house unnoticed, that was a plus, but it also meant it couldn't be very early otherwise the boy would still be sleeping. 

It was definitely past nine in the morning. Donghyuck groans softly, he couldn't believe he hadn't woken up sooner. Hadn't it been for someone slamming the door shut nearby, he might still be in his peaceful slumber like a total idiot. 

He roams around the place to try and find where his clothes were. Chenle must've changed the place he had put them and it was driving him insane. It was a loss of his time, the more he spent inside the bedroom the bigger the chances of someone walking in in him. 

Darn the stupidly big rooms, nobody needed a bedroom that big. There were too many places to check, too many possibilities. Donghyuck cries out loud in desperation just as the door opens. 

"There you are." Chenle chirps happily. 

Donghyuck's heart stops and he grimaces. "Uh, yeah-" 

"Looking for your stuff?" He smiles. "Check the bottom corner of the closet."

He nods and silently fetches his clothes. Donghyuck wasn't sure of what to say, so he apologises with a bow. A loud cackle follows. 

"Why are you saying sorry?"

"I passed out somewhere in the house, i should've left i know-" 

"With Mark?" 

Donghyuck furrows his eyebrows, the mention of the boy's name made his whole body shudder. "What?"

"You slept with Mark?" 

The other makes a choked up noise and sits on the bed while trying to process Chenle's words. "What are you on about?"

"Mark left a while back saying he passed out too, i asked about you since the last i saw of him was before he started chasing after you so i assumed he knew. And he did. He told me you were fine but sleepy and then left." 

"Oh." Donghyuck chuckles to himself. _That's what he meant._ "Yeah, we got piss drunk."

"Cool." Chenle says nonchalantly as he places the plate he was holding on top of his desk. "You must be tired still, you can stay if you want. Nap and then give me the usual lesson and go home."

"I couldn't, i'm already leeching too much."

The boy scoffs. "Absolutely not. What's the point in you traveling now? Lesson starts in three hours, might as well sleep or something while i study alone."

It amazed him that Chenle had the mentally capacity to force himself to study after a party. Even if he didn't have a hangover or anything, Donghyuck was in awe nevertheless. Perhaps he was just far too lazy when it came to putting any kind of effort in his academic life. Chenle was probably normal and not him.

The boy made good points though, because the time it'd take him to go to the apartment and back there would make up basically all the time he had left. He wouldn't even get to shower or eat properly, so it made no difference. It wasn't like he was going to bother anyone by taking a nap. 

"Ah, and please eat." Chenle pouts while holding half of his sandwich up in the air in Donghyuck's direction. "Must've been ages since you last ate."

He wouldn't be wrong, and in normal circumstances Donghyuck would've denied the offer, but his stomach speaks for itself as it growls loudly. Chenle quirks his eyebrow up in a cocky manner — he knew there was no way for the other to protest. _The smug bastard_. 

"Thank you so much." Donghyuck says softly as he grabs the sandwich. It tastes delicious, far more delicious than a simple sandwich should taste like. Whether it was his hunger or the quality of the food he didn't know, but Donghyuck hadn't felt so content while eating in a very long time. 

Chenle grins. "Want more?" 

"You're so mean, i have to say no." 

"But you wanna say yes." Donghyuck's silence answers for him. "Then eat. I'm gonna make myself another one. Meanwhile you can nap." He points at the bed. 

"Here?!" 

"Yes, and i don't wanna hear another word from you."

And with that, he's gone. Donghyuck stares at the half bitten sandwich piece in his hand then at the massive, extremely comfortable looking bed. He couldn't believe his luck. 

  
  
  
  


"Hyuck."

Donghyuck perks up immediately with the sudden nickname — Chenle had never dared fully dropped informalities. It was only fair, though. He had slept in the boy's bed, ate his food, they had even played together sometime with Joong. They acted somewhat like friends. 

He straightens his body, that's when he realises he had been hunched over while he scribbled mindlessly on a piece of paper. What a great example he was setting to the younger. 

"Yes?" 

"You and Mark, you kept in touch even after the trials?" 

Donghyuck shakes his head. "We didn't."

"Why?"

 _Why?_ He can't help but chuckle to himself. Cowardness? Stupidity? Fear? Donghyuck would rather run, or pretend things were there, in order to stay in his comfort zone. Which was odd considering his ambitions. And, truthfully, whenever he _had_ to do things, as in, was forced to with no other alternative, he did things well and efficiently. Those were the times where he shut off his anxious brain and put on a strong facade for a short-lived moment of bravery. 

Talking to Mark, however, wasn't imperative. He didn't have to do it. So he didn't. 

In fact, the possibility of reaching out to him had barely crossed his mind at all. 

"I have a hard time keeping long distance relationships." It flows out of his mouth before he could correct it. Donghyuck freezes and then, quickly enough, or so he hoped, saves himself. "All kinds, even platonic."

Chenle remains silent but doesn't return to his schoolwork right away. He pursues his lips then clicks his tongue. "Mark missed you, he mentioned meeting someone special last time. He said he had never felt more at ease." His eyes lock with Donghyuck's. "I said to him 'I'm glad you finally have found a good friend.'" 

He's speechless. It was as if walking through a minefield. In one hand, Donghyuck was sure of what the boy was insinuating. In the other, if he slipped due to misinterpretation, he'd be doomed. So he plays safe. 

"It was nice to meet him, but i never expected to come here so i never reached out. It's hard to keep in touch."

"Well." Chenle quirks his eyebrow. "You're here now." 

He pauses as he lays back on his chair, Donghyuck follows his every movement with shaky eyes. 

"So what's stopping you?" 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The night is warm. Warmer than days had been for many weeks. 

Donghyuck opens his jacket and sits on a nearby bench, it was sort of scary to be out so late in a city so unfamiliar to him but, at the same time, the night brought him comfort. Although he lived in a more remote area of the capital, it was still far too loud for his countryside brain. It was the cars, the chatter, the laughter and screams of drunken students, sometimes even fights.

There, it was almost as if the sheet of black that fell upon the city and the trees surrounding the park created a barrier that protected him from the outside world, making it his own — peaceful and quiet. 

He waits. There was a slight drop of nervousness inside of him, but above all, it was excitement that made his fingers tremble at the thought that Mark could show up at any second. 

Eventually, he does. 

A silhouette approaches, slowly so to not cause panic, as if to tell Donghyuck that it was no intruder. Finally, as it moves closer, the dim illumination coming from the post lightning begins drawing the lines of a face. 

"Hi" He exhales. 

Mark smiles faintly, then licks his lip and clears his throat. "Hi." The boy almost whispers. 

It's quiet for a while save for the crickets all around that created a beautiful, yet deeply irritating melody. Donghyuck knows that, had they been drunk, the warming up phase would be faster. _Hell,_ it wouldn't even be a thing. 

Rationality was what kept him glued to that bench when all he wished to was wrap his body around Mark's and take his presence in, allowing him to savour it. 

He move. Neither does Mark. 

"It's terribly warm today." The other tries and Donghyuck hums. "Wanna go somewhere? A walk?" 

"Anywhere is fine." Donghyuck inhales as much oxygen as he can, as if the molecule contained a dosage of bravery in it. "As long as you're with me."

Mark's eyes go wide, a sight that never stopped being amusing. Flustered Mark was another kind of beautiful, so innocent, so genuine. 

"There's a river nearby, are you hungry?" 

"Will we eat the fish in the river?" 

The boy laughs, his small teeth brighten his face up immediately. Joy looked stunning on Mark, Donghyuck finds. 

"If you want to, i was thinking of munching on some fast-food from one of those food trucks."

"I suppose i am hungry." Actually, it had been far too long since his last meal. He was sort of starving. 

Mark grins. "Alright, my car is parked close by. We'll be by the river in no time."

It's his time to be surprised. If Mark had previously told him he drove, that detail had somehow found its way out of his brain. It made sense, of course a rank one already had his licence and his own car, but Donghyuck couldn't help but be shocked. Driving seemed so… _Serious_. Adult-like. The Mark through the lenses of his brain was anything but. 

He follows behind the other, close enough to feel the trail of his cologne, not close enough to make his heart content. 

Though, it seemed that, whenever it came down to the boy, his heart always longed for more. 

And more. 

And even more. 

Endlessly so. 

  
  
  



	9. guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ❝ Shame is born in public, and lived out secretly. What is not seen cannot be scrubbed away, but so much can be made bearable by love. By cherishing what is, and not condemning fault or flaw. By never locking doors, by keeping hearts open and holding each other forever in the light. ❞

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh wow took me 22 days to write like.. 2.4k words Uhm Yea........ life kinda happened im so sorry. by the way this is going im finishing this fic in 2040 lmao. but i am planning on shortening this bit and jumping onto the 3rd and FINAL bit asap bc that's the most interesting bit bc ya kno revolution n all that jazz
> 
> ok enuf rambling in conclusion im v sorry im taking ages mwah if u still read this fic i love u thank u sm

" **D** oesn't life work in funny ways?" 

The lights reflecting onto the river were unmoving, there were no waves, no wind, the night was dead save for the sound of their breathing. Donghyuck liked it that way, he found that the constant city noise had begun making him cranky like an old man. 

He looks at Mark and smiles. "Yeah, i never thought we'd meet again."

"Do you believe in fate?" 

Donghyuck hums. "I think i do."

"I do too." The boy pauses and remains silent yet refuses to take his eyes off Donghyuck's face. "It must've been fate, i almost remained in Canada you know? And if i hadn't gotten involved with the snitch i would've never met you in the first place. Plus if you hadn't completed all of your trials we would never see each other again."

"Or maybe life would find a way. If we're meant to be."

It's scary to say such things out loud just like that, not only because there were ears everywhere they went, but also because finally allowing Mark to understand how much he truly cared for him made Donghyuck feel terribly vulnerable. His words didn't come from a rush of adrenaline nor sadness, he felt serene, he meant it.

"Maybe you're right."

The boy gave him a fake sense of security. Although they could technically be caught at any second, Donghyuck felt immune. He could very easily lose everything he had worked so hard to achieve, but it's always hard to care when the heart sings inside one's chest in pure contentment. 

Mark leans to the side till his head rests on Donghyuck's shoulder. "I love doing this, just sitting in one place staring at something beautiful with an empty mind." He mumbles. "I remember the top of the building where i lived back in Canada, the view was gorgeous… It was a cramped city, but still so fresh. In-between the buildings they had built beautiful green parks so the citizens never forgot that there's more to life than what technology has to offer."

Mark usually didn't speak much and, when he did, his words came out small, weak, insecure. Not anymore. 

Donghyuck smiles at that realisation, it seemed the other had finally begun opening up to him. 

"This city isn't as beautiful."

"Do you miss Canada?" 

"Sometimes." He exhales loudly. "Though, perhaps it's simply because things back then were easier. I was younger." Mark searches for Donghyuck's hand and, once he finds it, he intertwines their fingers. "I remember the day my innocence got taken away, do you?" 

He looks at Mark and shoots him a sad smile. "I never really got the privilege of innocence."

"I see." The other nods and pursues his lips. "I don't know what's worse, living naively and having it ripped out of you, or never have had it to begin with."

"I don't know either." He chuckles weakly. "Was it your ex?" 

Mark shakes his head. "Have you ever seen someone whose eyes lacked emotion? Soulless like a demon?" 

"I don't think so."

"I must've been fourteen, i was months away from coming here. I was sad about leaving my life behind, some days the realization would hit randomly but i couldn't let my family know, i'd be deemed weak if they noticed my true feelings. So i'd spend many hours on that rooftop calming myself down, sometimes even until the sun set." He smiles sadly. "I could never get too close to the edge since they put metal bars that prevented me. But you know, when someone truly wants something they will do superhuman deeds to achieve it."

He remains silent, listening patiently, relishing Mark's voice. 

"He didn't look human anymore, for centuries we've been depicting zombies this specific way, meat dropping from their bones and shredded clothes but, that man was what a zombie is probably truly like. Their brain is working, but not functional per say, there was nothing left to him but chemical reactions in his cells." He closes his eyes and holds on tightly to Donghyuck's hand. "Imagine being one step away from death, you jump and everything you've built ceases to exist. To this day, everytime i think i want to die i wonder, had i been in that man's shoes, would i have his courage?" 

Mark looks up at him. Their eyes lock, that's when Donghyuck realises the tears running down the boy's cheek. It was impressive, in a horrible kind of way, that Mark could sound so normal while clearly crying his eyes out. He knew that had come from years, if not a lifetime, of continuous practice. 

"That's what keeps me from pushing forward, because i have yet to become a zombie. And i refuse to be, even when things feel pointless." He licks the tears that had ran all the way down to his lips. "And, i know you don't owe me anything, we just reconnected, but Donghyuck your presence alone feels like a driving force."

His bottom lip trembles involuntarily. Donghyuck inhales profoundly, trying to calm his body down before speaking. "I'm here. I don't plan on going anywhere."

A smile forms on Mark's face, so wide and bright, a beauty of a kind. Donghyuck places his free hand on the boy's face and caresses it using his thumb, he runs the pad of his finger on top of his pronounced cheekbone while looking right at Mark's shining eyes. 

"Come home with me tonight?" 

The other nods excitedly. "I'd love to."

  
  
  
  
  
  


"So this is my faculty." Donghyuck says while pointing at the block of grey rocks stacked on top of each other.

"It's…"

"Absolutely horrendous, i know." 

The sun was shining, the sky a beautiful shade of blue, and yet the massive colourless blob didn't look any more cheerful than usual. 

"It's not that bad, they planted some trees i can see them."

Donghyuck rolls his eyes. "Okay whatever, you study far from here?" 

Mark rubs his chin and looks at their surroundings as he tries placing himself in a mental map. "Not too far. Maybe twenty minutes walking."

"That's close!" He grins. "So we can come see each other… sometimes."

"Ye-" Mark begins, but his face drops before he can even finish. His eyes had become as if glued somewhere behind Donghyuck out of a sudden, the other frowns before turning around to check what could possibly have caught the boy's attention. 

There were many people gathering around, but he didn't need to ask about who Mark was looking at. Somehow, it was as if he already knew merely by instinct. 

"It's him."

Donghyuck drifts his attention towards the other once more. "Jaemin?" Mark sucks in his bottom lip and begins chewing on it, his eyes never move away from the same spot. He looks frozen. "It's Jaemin isn't it?" 

"Yeah. Yeah." He croaks out. "I have to go, i can't be here."

Before Donghyuck can react and try to calm Mark down, the boy had already begun bolting away. He runs after him but it was pointless, there were far too many people crowding around that area. Donghyuck groans with frustration and begins heading towards the entrance of his faculty in defeat, he attempts at reaching out to Mark by calling him although he knew it was to no avail. 

Eventually he looks up and his gaze instantly meets Jaemin's. His eyes were as if telling him something, sending a silent message, but Donghyuck couldn't decipher. 

He walks past the boy but, suddenly, a hand wraps around his wrist keeping him from moving. "Nine o'clock, at the nearby bar's bathroom." The boy whispers right next to his ear.

Donghyuck's eyes shake with fear. Something about Jaemin had always felt _off_ but he had never understood why, or even if it was a bad sensation. Now that he knew, things were different. The implications of that demand sent shivers down his spine. 

Jaemin had seen him break laws, seen him and Mark. Jaemin knew too much, and he had the power to ruin his entire life. All it took was for his pretty mouth to open up to the right people and Donghyuck would vanish into thin air. 

The boy was already gone when he snaps out of his thoughts. 

He gulps. 

  
  


  
  


The next few hours go by like a blur, Donghyuck couldn't remember a single thing his teachers had taught and, whenever Yuri spoke, it took him far too long to process what the mix of words meant. 

He was going insane. 

Time was ticking slowly, yet too quickly. His classes ended two hours before the time Jaemin had marked for them to meet. He tried to eat, went for a walk around campus to calm himself down as well, but nothing worked. Food refused to remain in his stomach and the anxiety building inside his chest was ever-growing. 

He sits in the bar staring at his hands, deep in thought, over thinking what was to come. It had been long since he had felt that way, in fact, Donghyuck was almost certain he had never been that scared for his life. 

Jaemin walks through the door, greets the employers with a polite smile and then sits on nearby table. His eyes never meet Donghyuck's the entire time, he was quite the actor that was for sure. Not that that came as a surprise considering he tricked people for a living. 

Nine o'clock hits and he gets up. His legs were shaky, so weak that Donghyuck had to force them from wobbling pathetically. He goes inside one of the stalls and sits on the toilet waiting patiently for Jaemin to join him. 

The door creeks and footsteps follow. They echo in the small bathroom making Donghyuck feel as if he was taking part in a horror movie. He shakes his leg nervously and stays alert for any sort of signal that'd inform him that he should come out. 

"Donghyuck."

Jaemin knocks on both stalls then opens the doors before the other could react. Donghyuck sucks in a breath when their eyes meet, he's petrified, the uncertainty of what was to come ate away at his insides. 

"Get up, or should we chat while you sit there?" The boy smirks, but very weakly, as if he too felt uncomfortable. It didn't quite make sense, if Jaemin was who Mark said he was, then he should be smug to the max. He had immense power over him after all. 

Donghyuck gets up slowly and walks out, he doesn't know what to do with himself so he leans against the wall and tries focusing on anything that wasn't the rank two. 

"You haven't said a word."

"What should i say?" 

Jaemin sighs. "He's told you right?" Donghyuck doesn't need to reply, a hurtful look sufficed. "But Donghyuck i need you to hear me out, i need your help."

"So you're going to blackmail me or something?" 

The boy shakes his head and walks closer, it takes everything in Donghyuck to not take a step back. Betrayal hurt like a thousand knives. "I know there's no cameras here, my parents own this place. That's also why i know nobody will eavesdrop us."

He quirks his eyebrow. So Jaemin wanted to break the rules, that was unexpected. "Okay?" 

"I'm being forced, they have dirt on me and they're using it against me." The boy flexes his jaw a few times before gathering the courage to keep going. "I'm like Mark, i was given another chance because my father is a renowned businessman. So i do what i have to do to keep our family from ending in poverty over a mistake i have done when i was younger." 

Donghyuck glares at him. How could he possibly believe the sob story just like that? Jaemin had the guts to throw Mark under the bus, he had deceived him for months, dated him when he could've ratted him out immediately. It could be all part of a scheme, he knew he had to be smarter than that. 

"And why should i believe you?" Jaemin gapes, he clearly doesn't know either. "Why'd you do that to Mark?" 

"It's my job."

"You dated, you guys didn't just kiss once or simply confess, you _dated_."

The boy's entire body sags, his eyes fill with sadness and his head drops. "I was enjoying it while i still could. But they called me one night saying it hd been too long since i had last caught someone. I tried to push the deadline back but they were relentless, eventually i had no choice." A choked up sound slips out of his mouth. "I loved Mark."

Donghyuck's eyes widen. His heart breaks inside his chest, there was no way of knowing just how true Jaemin's words were, but just thinking about the possibility of it bring true hurt him deeply. Of course it was hard to believe it still, but it was just as hard to not let his empathetic side get the best of him. 

"I know it's not easy to trust me i don't ask you to just yet. But Donghyuck i know you wanna change things, i can't live like this till the end of my days, i want to help." His voice was shaky, as if he'd burst out crying at any second. "I've ruined countless of boy's lifes, sometimes they get small penalties, but i've seen some go to jail only to disappear for months on end. I didn't mean to do that to them, i aim for high ranks for a reason, but sometimes i suppose they must already have been caught in other circumstances that i wasn't aware of. I don't know what is done to them while they're away but i've seen the effects."

Donghyuck goes numb at the thought of being put through the same fate. He wasn't a high rank, he'd be doomed if Jaemin had concrete proof against him. 

"They'd be better off dead. They don't speak, there's no sparkle in their eyes which always look way too sunked." He tugs at his fingers nervously. "One of them lost his index. I tried asking what happened to our shared friends but nobody knows, i don't know if anybody even asks." A single tear begins rolling down his cheek but he immediately wipes it off. "And of course i'm not here to beg for any kind of forgiveness for the pain i've caused my own community, but i want to do something to help change things. I just have to make sure my family doesn't suffer the consequences."

The uneasiness slowly wears off, that nagging sensation that made Donghyuck feel awkward around Jaemin seemed to have vanished too. He pulls the other closer so to hug him as tightly as he could manage and then pats the boy's head when sobs begin filling the bathroom. If all of what was happening was a sham, then Jaemin deserved an award for actor of the year. 

"I haven't done much though."

"I saw your graffiti."

Donghyuck scoffs. "That's so bare minimum, i haven't gone out to protest or anything of the sort."

"Those get bloody real quick, you're too young, i understand why you haven't. There's other ways we can help, there must be."

They break apart. Donghyuck puts both his hands on Jaemin's shoulders and squeezes them reassuringly. "We'll figure something out, yeah?" He smiles gently. "Together."


	10. the past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ❝ Love cannot always save us, but it can be the reason why we fight. Then love becomes the wound that bleeds. The space to be filled. The emptiness that echoes into silence. The world doesn't stop. ❞

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy this short chapter in marks pov from his past hhh (i wrote this excerpt last year can u imagine.. rip)

_I never can forget the day_

_When my dear Mother did sweetly say_

_You are leavin', my darling boy-_

Mark smacks his alarm clock to shut the old song up. For many years he had pondered scheming a plan to destroy the old thing, but he always remembered how it had been passed down so many generations and how he’d be ruining a part of his lineage simply because he couldn’t stand that same old dull song that waking him up every morning. That was enough to make him back down. 

He hisses as his toes touch the cold floor and then grabs the remote near his bed to turn on the floor heating. Usually he’d remember to do it the night before to prevent the discomfort of walking around barefooted, but it wasn’t like he was going to change his meticulous routine to grab some socks. 

Instead he heads downstairs where the smell of newly baked cake makes his stomach churn. He sits down in his usual spot and stares at the empty plate waiting for Mrs. Soo, their housekeeper, to serve him a piece of cake alongside the usual glass of orange juice that he so much adored. “Morning, Markie.” The lady chirps, he looks up at her and smiles brightly while bowing down slightly with his head. 

“Morning Mrs. Soo.” He greets back and shoves the piece of cake down his throat. It tasted like heaven, he shows his gratefulness with a loud moan that makes the woman chuckle – it wasn’t a big surprise that he adored anything she cooked though. 

“Manners, Mark Lee.” His mother reprimands as she walks inside the kitchen and uses a piece of paper to grab yet another slice of the delicious dessert. “That is not how i taught you to eat.”

He nods and straightens his back while chewing on the gigantic amount of cake he had eaten. She sighs deeply and shakes her head which only makes Mark duck lower in shame. 

“Darling, do not forget to go to the support lessons this evening. Also please get that delivery at your father’s work after school is over, he’s far too busy.” She rambles and places a piece of cake inside her mouth delicately. “And you said you weren’t doing so good in chemistry right? We can work that out by tonight."

“It really isn’t necessary mother-“

“But it is. The faster we get that out of the way, the better i will sleep at night.” She clears her throat and grabs the black purse she had placed on the counter the moment she had walked in. “Mom has to go now, please be a good boy and get that delivery.” The woman places her hand in the back of Mark’s head to pull him closer and then smooches his forehead lovingly. “See you later.”

“See ya.” He mumbles earning himself a glare. “See you.” Mark corrects with a sigh and then waves the woman goodbye. 

Mrs. Soo pats his shoulder when the door slams shut. “Busy day ahead, uh?”

Mark snorts as he tugs his messy hair. “When is it not, Mrs. S?”

She gives him a sympathetic smile and places another piece of cake in the plate that, by then, only had a few crumbles left. “Better start the day with lots of energy then.” Mrs. Soo says softly. 

Mark giggles and steals one last glance at the lady before shoving the new piece in his mouth carelessly. He was already late, it was half past seven and his hair wasn’t done like it should be. 

Mark’s life was a big blob of routines and responsibilities that he didn’t enjoy but accepted nevertheless. It wasn’t like he had much choice in the matter, but quite often he found himself wishing he could run away from it all. 

Jaemin wasn’t, by all means, an escape. He was more like an energy booster that he so much needed sometimes. Jaemin brightened his day when all Mark could see was his parents wishes following his every move. 

Jaemin was a lump of fresh air in an otherwise grey scaled world. 

“Great so now we gotta go your dad’s office?” He asks and rubs his hands together as if signaling that he was ready for the task in hand. 

“I go to my dad’s office, you stay right here outside.”

“Ah why?! Are you scared he might smell the homoness from us if we are together? Like the stench just becomes overwhelming, is that it?” When Mark rolls his eyes and punches his chest, Jaemin only giggles. “Fine, don’t take too long though. Y’know i get bored easily.”

Mark groans dramatically. “ _Mannn_ you’re so whiny.” He complains with a smile that refused to disappear. Jaemin was just plain endearing even if Mark liked to pretend he wasn’t. The boy's ego was already big enough, it didn’t need a boost. 

“Shoo! Go do your job.”

They had met in school. Except Mark had never expected to fall in love with a boy, and certainly not have the same boy fall for him back. It took quite some time for Mark to accept it, both the fact that he liked Jaemin and then later that Jaemin actually liked him back. 

The fear had never vanished, it lingered inside of him. Mark feared many, many, things. He feared someone would find out, that they wouldn’t be careful enough, that Jaemin didn’t actually like him back, and worse of it all, that Jaemin would snitch on him due to bitterness coming from a petty fight.

Being a rank one had many pros, Mark could admit that much, but it always came with the worry that everyone in the ranks below was only trying to set him up. And it was dumb, because Jaemin had been there for him through so much and for so long, and yet he couldn’t shake the fear away if he tried. 

He wondered if it’d always be that way, if he’d live in life worried of losing it all. He wondered if it was worth it. But then Jaemin would smile and Mark would forget all about his worries. Certainly waking up hoping to see Na Jaemin smile was worth it all, if he didn’t survive till the end of the day there was no way he’d see Jaemin’s beautiful face ever again. 

He knew it wasn’t the best coping system, nobody should ever depend on another person to be happy, but it had happened before Mark could change it. So now he was stuck, and so far it was working, so why would he want to change his little system? 

Mark shouldn’t have ignored his instinct, he shouldn’t have ignored his rational side either. He supposed he had fallen into what people call love which blinds you to the point of no return. But love is cruel, love ends, and Mark should’ve known better. 

It happened so fast, in a blur of events. They were saying goodbye just always, Mark had checked everywhere for spies or civilians and found nothing which meant the coast was clear. Jaemin squishes his cheeks and smiles, but something was off. His eyes weren’t sparkling like they should, they were dull, sad. Mark doesn’t get to question it though for the boy’s lips were already being smacked against his. 

The familiarity calms him down, he relaxes his whole body for a split second before it tenses up again when a loud noise sounds in his ears.

He pulls away quickly and looks in the direction of the noise wide eyed in fear and confusion. Two man stand in front of him. 

Spies. 

Mark feels his body go numb, his knees buckle together and he collapses on the floor like a lifeless doll. He lets out a weak sob just as the tears start pouring out of his eyes like waterfalls. It’s then that he remembers Jaemin. 

He expected to see the boy in shambles just like him, after all they had both been caught. Except Jaemin is staring at nothingness with cold empty eyes, unmoving, frozen. 

Their eyes don’t lock ever again, not even when Mark screams senselessly and begs for mercy as well as answers. He’s shoved inside a black car and, just before the door is slammed shut right in front od his face, Mark gathers all the strength he had left to yell as loud as he could. “ _YOU RUINED ME, NA JAEMIN_.”

Jaemin’s body jerks, it was as if those words had revived the humanity in him. He looks up at the dark sky, clenched jaw and pursued lips, and closes his eyes. 

Mark hits his fists against the glass so harshly that one of the men has to hold him back in fear of the window breaking. But Mark didn’t care, he wanted Jaemin to hear his fury, his hurt and betrayal, and know that as nice as Mark was, there would be revenge. 

Jaemin would get his revenge for single-handedly destroying the last piece of hope he had that a better future was just around the corner. 

Now all he saw was he grey. Grey routines. Grey responsibilities. A grey future. 

All over again. 


	11. little steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ❝ History needn't be a trap. We can escape its web and shake off its weight of pain. We can change our minds and open up our hearts. We can let forgiveness speak and allow it to be heard, let friendship flourish and let love in. ❞

**T** he street was deserted. Mark had driven up the city into the industrial area — when the workers went home nobody would be around. They knew there was bound to be cameras scattered all over so both whispered every single word that left their mouth. 

"You're an historian right?" The boy asks while they laid on top of his car staring at the sky above. 

Donghyuck blinks a few times while giving him a puzzled look. "Not quite, but i try."

"So tell me, how in the world did we end up living like this? I've heard hushed stories of a past much different from ours, and i can't fathom how anyone could possibly allow  _ this  _ to happen."

He turns to his side and sighs loudly. "The far right won, little by little, just like humans growing, you won't notice it happening until it has already reached a certain proportion." Donghyuck explains. "People wanted a change but they could not foresee what exactly their wishes would conceive. And now look at us, look at the drawbacks we've made. Not that the average person even know history from before this regime anyways. The government made sure it's hard to get informed, not that that stopped me."

"Isn't it punishable by jail? To own old books, especially history ones?" 

Donghyuck hums. "It is. It's risky."

"Aren't you scared?" 

"Of course i am, but if i sit here and do nothing then i'm an accomplice to this tyranny." He sighs once more. "Little by little, just like before, i believe things can be changed. I wanna make sure it happens."

"You want to change the entire system? Are you insane?" Mark squeaks making Donghyuck snort. 

"I am not insane. Just an eighteen year old with a dream!" He protests, lips moving in a pout as he does so. "Say, ever heard of the LGBT Movement?" 

"No-"

Donghyuck smirks. "I suppose no matter how much you mutate your DNA to become smart, you're still not a genius uh?" 

"Being smart doesn't come with predefined knowledge. I must study it first."

He knew Mark was right, but it was too amusing to rile the other up, so he continues. "I'd like to think a true smart person would always seek more knowledge than the one handed to them on a silver plate, though."

His face drops and Donghyuck panics. He hadn't meant to hurt Mark's feelings, it was nothing more than just teasing which wasn't anything new to their relationship. 

"Mark-" 

"Y'know, at first when you'd be harsh on me i couldn't comprehend it. Or rather, i guess it was a shock because nobody had ever had the balls to be so raw with me." He says while looking up at the stars. "Your hatred felt right though." 

"Don't say that." Donghyuck hisses and smacks his shoulder lightly. 

"No, really." Mark pushes. "I knew you were right to despise me, until then i never thought about it but getting to know you sparked something in me."

"No Mark i was just angry, i still am but it's not right to take it out on a specific someone."

The boy's bottom lip quivers. "I have never accomplished anything on my own." His voice breaks by the end of the phrase, Donghyuck can feel tears build up in his eyes just by seeing the other look so broken. 

"Mark."

"Absolutely nothing. It felt really empty at first to realise such a thing. And i still haven't managed to change my mentality just yet but i really look up to you. I wish to create something i feel proud of someday." 

Donghyuck changes positions so he can wrap his arms around Mark's torso and place his chin on his shoulder. "You will." He whispers gently. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Days go by calmly. Donghyuck headed to Chenle's house after class, headed home after two hours and then, at around ten in the evening, he'd leave again to meet with Mark. 

It wasn't a bad routine, not at all, in fact Donghyuck hadn't felt so alive in months. He had Chenle to cheer him up and Mark to give him a sense of comfort, and although he knew that, deep down, things were bound to change, he promised himself to relish how nice life felt for the time being. 

One day, though, Jaemin texts him. The boy didn't say much, merely asked if they could meet, but Donghyuck knew that meant something. And, it also meant it was time for him to poke Mark's wound once and for all even if he disliked the idea of doing so. 

"Hey." He murmurs next to the boy's ear. They were inside the car, observing the city below while holding hands. The cameras, if there were any nearby, could not catch the act from inside the tinted windows. "I need to talk to you." 

The sheer panic on Mark's face makes his heart drop. "What's up?" 

"Don't worry, it's not about us." He chuckles and the boy deflates with relief. "But it is about Jaemin."

His jaw tenses up, it was clear that he didn't wish to speak on the matter. Donghyuck felt terrible, but he knew there was no way he could keep anything as important as that from Mark. "Alright."

"He approached me, we spoke."

"Are you in trouble?! I can bail you out, seriously it's the first strike they can't take you away just yet-" 

Donghyuck cups Mark's face and smiles gently. "It's not like that. He said he's a spy yes, but it's 'cause they have dirt on him. I think he's gay too, if i understood correctly. My brain was not really functional the whole time." 

"Well clearly since it seems you believed his bullshit." 

"Hey, i know you may never believe him, but I'm willing to give him a shot. In fact that's why i brought him up."

"Donghyuck i am  _ begging  _ you." 

He bites down on his bottom lips then closes his eyes. "He can be very helpful… I'll be careful, okay? i know that if he's genuinely on our side, then he brings lots to the table."

Mark looks away from Donghyuck, his lips were pursed, his eyes dark. The reaction was calmer than expected. Afterall, Jaemin had not only betrayed Mark, but broken his heart too, things could've gone much worse. 

"I'll meet him tomorrow night. I won't be able to meet with you, unless you would wanna join us-" 

"I would never and you know it."

Donghyuck pouts. "It was worth a shot… "

  
  
  
  
  
  


“Let's get to work” Jaemin whispers. He sounded awfully unsure as he held the spray can in his shaky gloved hand.

Donghyuck moves closer and, since most of their face was covered, tries his best to convey his emotions through his eyes. Maybe a single look would be comforting and reassuring enough, Jaemin’s ‘job’ revolved around him being perceptive and noticing small signs that most wouldn’t, so he had hope a single shift in his gaze wouldn’t go unnoticed. 

“You have the flyers?” 

“Yes, printed them at the place my mother works at, the company always lets me in and out without batting an eye i don’t think the leads will point to me.”

“Good. Which do you wanna do? Graffiti or distribute?”

Jaemin shrugs. “I can do both, but maybe it’s best i do the distributing since i know this city better.”

He nods and they part. 

The night was dark, the moon’s light weaker than usual. Donghyuck supposed that the other had planned for that to happen too, or perhaps he was giving him too much credit merely because he was a rank two. Either way, he was glad nature was working with them. 

Far away, in the distance, shouts coming from the protests could be heard. People had been stubbornly keeping up the fight over the last month even if things often turned very violent. The government tried their best to mask that fact but a simple stroll downtown would shed light on the situation. The splashes of dried up blood, broken stores, destroyed streets, all of it was hard to clean up after when the people returned every night to taunt them. Of course the news twisted everything around, they did show the violence, but not the one Donghyuck believed truly went down. 

He knew the dark red on the sidewalk was innocent blood, he knew people were being taken, he knew even if he didn’t need to see with his own eyes.

One day he would. He promised himself that he would, no matter how scary it may be.

He rotates around the same three slogans, painting them all over the walls of the more remote areas of the city. Of course they’d gain more traction if they dared moved towards the center, but Donghyuck felt he had to warm up first. He needed practice to increase the odds of never being caught, when he felt ready then he’d take his fight closer to its core. 

They had planned to meet at the same place two hours after their departure. After decorating countless of surfaces with his messages he begins slowly retrieving while trying his best to not get lost in the unknown neighbourhoods. 

He sits on the floor near the bushes he had been mere hours before and waits for Jaemin to return too.

His gaze wonder all about, taking in the little details the night allowed him to see. Then he spots something. On the top of a roof nearby something begins moving, he can’t tell what exactly but it was too big to be a mere bird, or a rat. Donghyuck tenses up and tries hiding within the vegetation while following the dark blob with his eyes, it moves from house to house, hopping around with an agility of a monkey. Then, when it reaches the roof of a shorter house, it jumps right down while barely making a sound.

As amazed as Donghyuck was he quickly snaps out of it when he realises the strange shadow was, in fact, moving in his direction. He hides even further, his heart beat painfully hard inside his chest due to the fear that consumed him, Donghyuck only hoped he hadn't been caught. 

"Hyuck?" He hears and then realisation hits him. 

_ How had he not pieced two and two together?  _

He stands up and walks closer to Jaemin. "I'm so dumb i was scared you were the secret police."

"Nah they're too busy over there." The boy says while pointing at the city center that had already been lit up by orange flames. "We should go though."

"You were amazing, i thought you'd distribute it on the ground."

"If i throw it up high they'll fly away and do the work for me. Plus nobody is checking on people on roofs, the attention is drawn lower to the streets where the 'thugs' are."

Donghyuck nods, he understood the logic however he had to admit that he probably would have never thought of that option. During trials he was told to put his imagination to use, but in the real world that same mindset often was too hard to apply, or remember. 

"I'll see you soon!" Jaemin waves while smiling brightly before turning his back on Donghyuck to head in the direction of his house. 

The scariest part of the night commenced — getting home safely without getting too close to the manifestations. That often meant longer trips and getting home way too late, late enough to be dangerous for him. 

He breathes in, filling his lungs with much needed oxygen to help calm his body down, and turns to his left. Away from where Donghyuck truly belonged — the bloody fight to freedom. 


	12. everything is temporary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ❝ The longest nights are seldom seen approaching. The storms may not be heard until they break, like life itself.
> 
> Challenges and change are there to be confronted, and we must weather them -- alone or together, watching for the sunlight and waiting for the dawn. ❞

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know i always say sorry but ik it must be annoying to wait so long as a reader... i had exams and felt exhausted and now im warming up to writing again even if i didnt stop for SUPER long.  
> i also made some changes to the plan and decided to cut more scenes SOOO the next chap is the last one for this second bit.  
> again im reminding u guys that there's 3 bits to the story. yes i will write it no matter how long it takes me i promised myself id finish this fic SO I WILL!!! so yes this isnt the actual ending just yet  
> the next part should be way more interesting this one was just building up towards it
> 
> ANYWAYS THIS GOT TOO LONG tysm for everyone that still reads this fic it really means so much to me and thank you for commenting too i didnt reply cause i was exhausted emotionally but i see you and i appreciate you so much :)
> 
> (excuse me for any typos)

**E** veryday, when the sun waved the sky goodbye, Donghyuck prepared himself to vandalise the city some more. It had already reached the news although the messages of hope and rebellion was never actually shown. At first fear corrupted him and almost prompted him to give up but then, as soon as Jaemin greeted him the day after those insecurities arose, it all turned into fuel instead. There were no words needed merely the fire dancing erratically in the boy's eyes. 

His life was precious to him, perhaps not for the right reasons as he only found value in his existence when put into a family context — he was a son, his duty was to die after his parents and, before that, to provide for them if needed — but there was a bigger goal to be achieved and Donghyuck supposed that, deep down in his heart, he had already made up his mind about following through with his own personal mission. Fear had begun to not be enough to hold him back, hence why he proceeded. 

Months had gone by. Soon they'd be at the heart of the fight. Getting away with his crimes had gotten harder, some nights he wouldn't manage to complete a full graffiti before being forced to bolt away from the authorities. He was yet to be caught however. 

Mark had grown very anxious and clingy in that period, Donghyuck knew how worried sick he was because of his activities and he hated that his actions affected him so much, but he tried his best to make him forget during the time they got to spend together — usually inside the rank one's car in a quiet area where the chances of being seen were lower. Still, everytime their heart skipped a beat whenever it seemed that someone had spotted them, everytime their palms became sweaty and their brains prepared for the worst, Donghyuck felt his distaste for the world grow. They deserved better than to live in fear and, maybe, if they couldn't then, perhaps the next generation after them could. To live hidden in the away wasn't living per say, just getting by while cherishing every second granted to you as it could easily be ripped off you. 

It seemed that, ironically, the more love consumed him, the more hatred did too. The conflicting emotions clashed inside him like neutrons, collisions that hurt his body from the impact of such force.

And that was how life continued on. 

Everyday, further into a hole of madness. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


“I hate that teacher.” Donghyuck grumbles. “She spends the whole class yapping about things that we don’t need to know for our exams, why do i even bother coming? I should start skipping.”

Yuri frowns and bumps her shoulder against the boy’s torso. “You’re going to leave me there alone to rot?”

“You can skip too, duh. Such a goody two shoes.”

“I was raised like this, i’d feel so guilty if i did that.”

“You’d rather waste your time?” He rolls his eyes when the girl nods stubbornly, back in his town most people he knew wouldn’t even bother going to any class much less such a useless one, higher ranks were truly a different breed. “Anyways… I can’t wait to eat i’m starving.”

Just as Yuri opens her mouth to reply, someone calls out for Donghyuck with a loud shout. They look all around the crowd searching for the source, the voice sounded awfully familiar but there was no way it could be the person it reminded the boy of. 

Except it could.

“Jeno?!” Donghyuck shrieks when his best friend shows up in his camp of vision. “Am i seeing things? Damn i must be hungry as hell.”

The boy snorts and doesn’t hesitate before pulling him closer so to wrap his strong arms around Donghyuck’s body in a tight hug. “I missed your stupid ass.” He sighs as he rubs his nose on the crook of his friend’s neck.

“Hey that tickles-” He giggles while shaking his whole body to get Jeno to stop. “What in the world are you doing here?”

“I’m already on vacation, so i thought i’d pop by! Plus i kinda wanted to see if you were right about your university.”

“What’s the verdict?” 

Jeno smirks. “Our small town could do better than this.”

Donghyuck turns to Yuri and mirrors the expression on his best friend’s face. “See! I told you.”

“One day i must visit that infamous town, i’ve heard so much about it, now i’m intrigued.” She smiles softly. “For now, though, can we please go eat? I’m happy for your reunion but my stomach also misses food very much.”

Both boys laugh. “Alright, alright. We can tell you more stories about our lovely hometown during lunch.” Donghyuck says as he attempts to unglue himself from Jeno’s grip. “Let go you muscle pig.”

“No, you can’t get rid of me now. We’re staying like this till i leave in three days.” 

“Idiot.” He mutters feigning annoyance when, truthfully, he felt more than happy to be babied by Jeno like old times. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


“You’re doing _what_?” Jeno squeals in disbelief.

Darkness had fallen upon them which was his cue to leave the apartment and proceed with his nightly activities alongside Jaemin. Even if his best friend was there, it would feel wrong to neglect such an important task, so he decided to tell the other about his plans instead; hoping that he’d be understanding or, perhaps, join him in his mission. He should’ve expected the reaction he got considering the fact that his friend had always been nothing but passive about the whole saving-the-world ordeal, but still, Donghyuck had preferred to give him the benefit of the doubt. 

“Don’t you even try to hold me back.”

Jeno opens and closes his mouth a few times clearly trying to find the words to express his emotions. “You’re insane, how do you think this will end? Be honest with yourself here, Hyuck. You’re going to be caught eventually. You think some graffiti is worth that?”

“It isn’t “some graffiti”. It’s a catalyst, it can be a spark, you never know.”

“Stop being stupid.” His eyes narrow, turning dark and frigid, like a father scolding a child. Donghyuck freezes. “This is too far, one thing is dreaming of it, spreading awareness to those near you or whatever, or even reading informative books. Another is going out there putting yourself in danger, you’re in the position of being possibly killed! We don’t exactly know what happens to those who are caught because they just disappear. You are willing to make your family go through that? Aren’t you being a little too selfish?”

Out of all the possible outcomes that he has simulated beforehand none had been like reality, never in his life had he expected Jeno to be so defensive. Jeno, the friend who listened calmly and tried to understand his viewpoint although he never thought of such important matters himself. Jeno, who always supported his cause on the low, the one that encouraged him to keep digging. It didn't make sense. 

"What are you saying… Of course i care for my parents feelings, but don't you understand that if we all hide and let a minority do the work we won't get anywhere?! I'm trying to make everyone live a better life."

"Spare me. Imagine you and the revolutionaries take down our government, who do you think will follow? Another power hungry person will step up and take the lead, cause that's how it works." The boy's lips form a straight line. "You're swimming against the current. It's pointless." 

Sadness settles deep within, but then anger spikes as Jeno continues to speak. "You're ignorant. Everytime i told you of the past that's been erased, did you ever listen? Turns out you haven't, and that hurts. If you were paying attention you'd know nothing lasts forever and revolutions work, but life is a cycle so good things end as well." He spits out while trying his best to not be too loud that he'd wake Johnny up. "You're a coward, you give up. You have the mentality of a high rank while suffering as a low rank. That's peak stupidity, you want to build a family? You want to love whoever you want without fearing consequences? Then don't sit back and watch." 

"I'd rather live with that burden than to cause such heartbreak to my family."

"Oh fuck you at least my family would know i died fighting for all of us." Donghyuck screams, he has lost control. 

Jeno's eyes widen then close completely, the boy sits on the bed as if meditating before getting up, grabbing his bag and walking right out without saying another word. 

The door slams shut just as a tear hits the sheets below. Donghyuck hiccups a few times while more tears roll down his cheeks. It wasn't so much that he regretted the words he spoke, what made his chest feel tight to the point he thought he couldn't breathe was the fact that Jeno wasn't the person he deemed him to be. After they had both come out to each other Donghyuck assumed their bond had fortified, but the opposite had happened. 

He simply couldn't comprehend how Jeno, someone who would benefit so much from the revolution, turn his back on the cause just like that.

He curls up in a ball and remains in that position for many hours crying almost constantly until a terrible headache formed and exhaustion overpowered him. 

  
  
  
  
  


Jaemin had tried reaching out during the night which he had expected but still made him feel ten times worse. 

He had no energy to call or give a decent reply but he hoped the boy wouldn't be bitter, when they met again Donghyuck promised himself to make sure to explain the situation the best he could without going into too much detail. It was still hard to trust Jaemin after all the info that had been thrown at him about his past, one could not be careful enough. 

In the kitchen Johnny ate his usual breakfast, he tried forcing a smile but the man quirked his eyebrow in response making it clear that he wasn't buying it. "We had an argument."

"Well that i know." He snorts. "Wanna talk?" 

"Not really… I'll just get on with life for now."

The other gives him a sympathetic smile and extends his arm so to pet Donghyuck's nape gently. "I'm here to give some big bro advices when you need them, try to cheer up a bit, yeah?" 

He nods weakly. "Thank you, i will try my best."

The world seems to fade away after that, every move the boy made was on autopilot while, unfortunately, his brain refused to stop thinking. He didn't wish to cry at the memory of Jeno's cold gaze so he kept himself together. _Just till i get to see Mark_ he said to himself over and over again to try and create a semblance of comfort in his aching heart. 

  
  
  
  
  


"Sometimes people don't get it." Mark whispers as he runs his fingers through Donghyuck's hair. "They're too focused on their little world to do so, you already tried giving him some insight for years, you tried your best."

The boy grunts. "But he's just like me! Fuck, if he was straight perhaps i'd understand, but it's not like he has nothing to hide. It's not even just about living in way shittier conditions than you guys, it's about living with that weight of hiding your identity and yet he's still willing to do all that and for what?"

"Hyuck, here's the thing. Technically he has a choice, we're gay we can't pretend to be normal and like women, Jeno on the other hand can still have a chance to experience that normality while rejecting a part of who he is."

Donghyuck deflates, he felt beaten. Mark made a good point, he supposed he had high hopes for Jeno and that had been his crucial mistake. Now the disappointment was overwhelming. "How will we be from now on? I feel i lost my best friend."

"Hey, he can still come back to you. It's never too late to change one's mind, given it might take some time so use it to heal in case he's too stubborn."

"He's one stubborn motherfucker so i guess i will have to deal with the fact that we're done or something."

Mark sighs loudly. "Don't be like that, have you guys never fought before?!" 

"Well yes but this is serious stuff, it's different. I feel a shift and i hate it."

The car wasn't at all comfortable, his spine hurt from the awkward position he found himself in just to be able to get petted by the boy. Still, he doesn't complain, he'd much rather that option than being caught. That thought caused another wave of sadness and range to strike his chest, Jeno truly didn't get it. He didn't understand what it was like to be caged, Donghyuck thought he did but it seemed the other had grown too used to putting on a fake mask and pretending the underlying issue was not at all serious. 

Fighting wasn't pointless. He didn't even ask for much, just to be treated as an equal to all. 

"Wanna see my room?" 

Donghyuck sits straight immediately and looks at Mark like he had just seen a ghost. "What? Have you lost your mind?" 

The boy grins while shaking his head. "My parents are away, there's cameras and all that annoying security jazz _but_ i can and will find a solution."

"Holy shit really?! I can go there?" Donghyuck squeals. "Ahem, i mean. I never thought it'd be possible."

"I thought about telling you but i worried it'd be too stressful for you, and it is risky i'm painfully aware but right now you're so upset i feel i can cheer you up."

Donghyuck quirks his eyebrow. "Mark Lee are you suggesting-" 

"No! Not at all, i got cool stuff i wanna show you."

"Uhm, alright." The boy rubs his chin pretending to be doubting Mark's words. "Though i wouldn't say no to the other option."

The other's eyes widen, it was terribly endearing that he still acted that way. It never failed to make Donghyuck feel amused especially when the boy would try to hide how flustered he'd get. 

Mark was unbelievably special, at least in his eyes. 

  
  
  
  


Donghyuck hadn't been in that side of town just yet, it was a secluded area by the north filled with all kinds of houses shaped in what people in his hometown would call 'home, but make it fashionable'. He had to admit they were pretty but he much rather preferred his cozy house by the countryside, of course it was merely due to the fact he simply wasn't used to such luxurious things and therefore saw them as cold. Still, they were undeniably eye-catching. 

"We're close." Mark says informing the other to begin with their plan. 

It was simple. The boy jumped to the backseat and grabbed the dark picnic blanket that Mark always kept on his trunk just in case it came in handy. Then came the uncomfortable part — trying to fit under Mark's seat without breaking any bones. The other had already elevated it the highest possible to allow him some space but it was still an incredibly painful process. It wasn't like Donghyuck had never done something similar, during some of his trials he had also been put through just as uncomfortable situations or, rather, positions. 

"Are you managing?" 

Donghyuck grunts in return as he uses all his leg's strength to push his body even further down the seat. "Almost." 

"We're going to be checked in about five minutes."

The boy sucks in a breath and pushes his body back one more time before trying his best to cover the exposed part of his body with the blanket by kicking it around until it landed on the right position. 

"I think i'm good now." 

"Okay. It should be alright they usually just talk a bit with me, ask how i'm doing and all that, then they pretend to check my car. All they do is stare for a few seconds because they trust us that much."

Donghyuck nods although he knew Mark could not see. It was mainly to reassure himself everything would be alright and they wouldn't get into big trouble. Ranks below two were not allowed in that area for obvious reasons, so it was sort of terrifying. 

Then again, Donghyuck was aware that, if he wanted to join the fight for freedom, he would have to put himself in scary situations every once in a while. Sometimes far more terrifying than the one he was experiencing at that very moment. So he breathes in and out in a calming manner and allows his body to relax even if it was hard considering it ached all over. 

The car stops as well as the boy's heart. He could hear voices but it was as if his body had shut down due to the intense fear that had latched onto him and refused to leave. Donghyuck could only pray Mark was right and that they wouldn't bother to check the car properly, but the other was already frowned upon by many of his kind as his sexuality was no longer a secret. That small, yet massive detail could mean the guards wouldn't trust him as much. 

"Didn't have any troubles passing by the manifestations?" 

"I went around them, took longer but it's worth it. My father wouldn't be so pleased to hear i managed to damage the car because i wanted to get home quicker."

Someone Donghyuck couldn't recognise the voice of chuckles. "Smart kid. Well, have a good night. Stay safe, the vandals are relentless nowadays."

"So i've heard! Thank you, goodnight." Mark says in his infamous polite voice. Donghyuck loved to poke fun at him for it, though it was slightly terrifying to see the way the boy could become so different whenever he wished to. It wasn't just the way he spoke, his whole posture changed, the expressions he used and mannerisms as well were all an act. 

The engine starts once again but he remains in the same exact position. It would only be safe to move or speak after Mark told him to do so. 

"It's best you stay there till we get to my house. Is it hurting too much?" 

"Yes but i can take it."

"Just five minutes more." He informs. "You're brave."

Donghyuck's eyes widen and a shy smile forms on his lips. "Be quiet." 

  
  
  
  
  


The cramps were horrible and he was pretty sure he was bruised all over, but at least they had gotten to their destination safely. 

"We're inside the garage, nobody will see you come in or out." Mark smiles softly. "But you must be hurting so bad." 

"Uhm, from one to ten how much pity do you feel for me right now?" 

"Uh, nine?" 

"Nine?!" Donghyuck shrieks then rolls his eyes. "Whatever, good enough to guilt trip you into giving me a massage."

The other snorts loudly. "Opportunist. But i accept the consequences." He turns his back to Donghyuck and gestures for the other to follow. "C'mon i got some things i wanna show you!" 

Rich people's houses always intrigued the rank three. They were never welcoming, Chenle's felt like a castle whereas Mark resembled a modern art museum. The walls were mostly black with some white to lighten the rooms a little bit, paintings were scattered all over as well as sculptures. 

Mark heads towards the stairs which spiralled upwards, Donghyuck had only seen one of those in movies or catalogs. He analyses all of the details as he goes up, for a family that specialised in business they sure appreciated the beauty of art. That eased his heart a little bit but only very slightly. They were still heartless, Mark had opened up enough about his life for him to conclude that. 

"My room is at the very top." The boy says with a little smile. "My safe space."

Donghyuck mimics his expression and walks closer to him so to intertwine their fingers. It felt right, domestic, almost like a dream. Things like that gave him the strength to keep pushing his boundaries, to move closer to the fight for a life where he could be free to love Mark in that same way in the light of day instead of hiding in the shadows of fear and shame. And although it was scary to think of the possible consequences, he refused to be a Jeno and sit back while others fought for his rights. In a way, it was selfish, but surely his parents would understand and put his happiness over their own. Those were the kind of people they were. Donghyuck was sure of it. 

At the top of yet another set of stairs at the very end of the hall of the second floor was a door. It led to Mark's room which was too dark at first to see anything but, as soon as the boy snapped his fingers, a few white lights blinded him momentarily. The room was still fairly dark but now it was possible to see ahead of them at least. 

"Home sweet home!" Mark exclaims with the widest grin possible. "What do you think?" 

It was spacious, the furniture had mostly been placed against the wall leaving the center almost totally free save for the round bed at the middle. The roof was convex and made entirely of glass allowing them to see the sky as if there was nothing separating the room to the outside. 

"It's… Wonderful."

The other sits on his bed and looks up. "I love space. I wanted to be an astronaut so badly but i was forced to follow my family's wishes."

"Have you been to space?" 

"Yeah, i first went when i was eight. That's what made me want to follow that profession. I've been out of trips a few times after."

Donghyuck snorts then laughs dryly. He loved Mark, or something close to it, but he still felt a bitter taste in his mouth whenever he'd realise how different their lives were. It wasn't as if the boy did it on purpose, plus he had been the one that asked the question, but the way he spoke of it as if those were simple flights across the country or even a drive downtown was baffling. Hell, rank fives couldn't even dream of buying a flight from a cheap airline. 

"Sorry. I spoke too much."

"Shit, don't be sorry i got to learn to react better to these things especially when i'm the one asking." Donghyuck shakes his head. "Trips? To Mars?" 

Mark looks at him hesitantly, clearly he wanted to share his stories but feared he'd trigger the other. Still, when Donghyuck gestures for him to speak, he continues. "Uh, yes. But my favourite is the Moon. A bit overrated i guess but it's so peaceful up there and the view is absolutely breath-taking. You see our planet from up there, it's like a big football, makes you feel so insignificant but, somehow, i love it. Gives me a reality check every single time i go there."

He listens attentively while trying his best to keep his bias on check. It was extraordinary to him, trips like those had become common a few decades back but they were still very much for the elite. 

"Maybe one day i was staring at you from over there, and you were staring at me, we just never knew."

Donghyuck smiles and turn his head to face Mark. "And now i get to stare at you from right over here."

In the big picture, their world was nothing but a spec in a vast universe. Their existence did not matter, nothing they could ever do would impact greatly enough to change the order of life itself. But still they continued on however pointless and hard it was. 

He could only hope Mark would always be there by his side, close enough to make him believe anything mattered at all. 


	13. gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ❝ Hope is a thing of extraordinary power. It feeds the soul and yet it can torment it. ❞

**D** espicable. There was no other word to describe the Human Race. 

From the top of the roof of a tall apartment building it became more than obvious that humans were just as animalistic as any wolf or lion. If seen from afar the red and orange hues of the flames were undeniable stunning, although it's beauty vanished when one realised what caused such colours to pierce the dark nights. Seeing the scene up close was even more nauseating. 

Jaemin snakes his arm around Donghyuck's shoulders and pulls him close. "Are you truly ready to join in next week?" He asks softly.

Truth was, he wasn't. But, then again, he'd never truly be. It was terrifying to imagine experiencing the brutality first-hand. To know you could die in those streets like a run over animal by the side of the road, left to rot until no remains are left, was petrifying to say the least. 

"No."

The other chuckles. "Me neither." Jaemin then places his head against Donghyuck's shoulder and lets out a loud sigh. "But i must pay for my sins."

There were no sins for him to pay for, not that he was aware of. Perhaps being gay was sin enough. Perhaps their path was exactly that — death. Such thoughts constantly plagued his mind making him question what he stood for, if his kind were meant to be then why did they always end up being ostracised? A part of his brain had convinced him that he was destined to suffer for the sins he hadn't meant to commit. 

In such a big world could it be that there had been some assigned to suffer to keep a balance in the world like a yin-yang of some sort? Donghyuck couldn't know but he refused to go down without a fight. Though those ideas left a terrible bitter taste in his mouth, it was unfair that he had to go through so much pain just for others to be rewarded with a great life, what was the criteria for who got to enjoy being alive and those who did not? Once again, Donghyuck didn't know. 

"We should head home for today." Jaemin finally suggests after they spend many minutes observing the violence unleashing before their eyes. 

However brutal it was, Donghyuck found himself unable to shift his gaze away. "I suppose so." He mumbles. 

Jaemin gets up and pokes the boy's back to try and wake him out of his daze. "Hey, that's enough. You should rest."

Moving away from the nucleus of the revolution was painful, his heart ached knowing more people would die tonight as he slept. He often thought of the families broken apart, all the lovers split and friends lost that ensued the protests, it suffocated him like the loss was directly connected to him. 

"Nana." He calls out when they were already walking all alone in the dim lit streets. "It'd mean a great deal to me if you apologised to Mark. I know it's painful for you both but i feel he has never truly moved on, i can still see the pain underneath his momentary happiness whenever he's with me. This unresolved business is weighting on you both."

"Will he even accept to face me?" 

Donghyuck grins. "No. I will have to make him meet you without his knowledge of what's to happen. I can find a way, i just need you to agree on at least trying to put this behind."

Jaemin nods and licks his lips nervously. "I'm willing to go through with your plan. Whatever it may be."

  
  
  
  
  


After many months working as a tutor he had grown fond of Chenle and his family. They treated him kindly and even dropped most formalities considering their ranks were so similar. It was comfortable, Donghyuck felt he could almost be himself there. Except there was always something bugging him that was hard to ignore — did Chenle know? Would he despise him if he did? 

Unfortunately everytime a new friend popped in his life those questions did too, he could be the best person in the world but for some reason the small detail of his sexuality was enough to turn all his qualities into dust. He didn't want things to turn out that way, he genuinely cared for the boy and plus he really needed the money.

"How close are you to Mark?" Donghyuck asks hesitantly hoping to get some clue as to where the other stood. 

The younger rises his head and snorts. "Yes i do know about Jaemin."

That hadn't been what Donghyuck had expected to hear, he chokes on his own spit due to the shock and then, after he manages to collect himself, decides to dig in deeper. "So whose side are you on?" 

"Well." Chenle shrugs. "Technically none, nobody has called my attention in that manner." The boy closed his notebook and leans back on his chair. "Yknow, this isn't a dichotomy. Things can never be black or white, even if i am not like you that doesn't mean i am not on your side. Of course i know that that's the way we are raised to be but not everybody is that easily influenced. Some do see reason and think critically."

"I understand."

"And you better be careful too, just because you're in the oppressors side doesn't mean you aren't prone to becoming a sheep yourself. Try to remain grounded."

Somehow that viewpoint had slipped his mind, he had been so focused on the 'they vs us' narrative that the government had been spoon feeding the nation that he had realised perhaps he had lost himself to a certain degree. Though, all that it did to him was allow him to become more reckless or, in his own perspective, courageous. So he supposed it wasn't all that bad. 

Chenle's stomach grumbles loudly inside the quiet room and both boys grin at each other. "Snack time?" 

"Please."

Donghyuck already knew the house as if it was his own. The family didn't care if he decided to roam around whenever he got bored of watching Chenle doing his exercises, so he had memorised every corner of the big mansion. It was oddly calming to take a long walk protected by those thick expensive walls, inside the house Donghyuck knew he was safe, his body had begun feeling at ease there. Although it was impossible to ever describe the place as welcoming or cosy, it would always be anything but. 

"What is going on…" Chenle's mother murmurs as she holds her tea in her hands. Her eyes were fixated on the TV broadcasting the news, everyday sometimes bad seemed to happen but, for the most part, it was never anything too new. Riots. People dying violently. Arrests. Donghyuck had become desensitised to it all. 

"What's wrong, mom?" The boy asks, clearly worried as to what was upsetting Mrs. Zhong. 

"They're inspecting houses to see who's against the current government… So many people have been arrested and their homes ravished. They're starting with the slums, the rank fives."

 _Jisung._ Donghyuck pulls out his phone and quickly texts the boy hoping with every fibre of his being that he'd reply hence meaning he was okay for the time being at least. Knowing how corrupt people in power were, it wouldn't be surprising if they weren't just taking away people who were rebels so nobody would be safe especially not the extremely poor. 

"They're getting antsy it seems." Chenle sighs. "It'd be easier to listen to the needs of the less privileged instead of doing all this." 

His mother turns around to face them both. "Power hungry people will get their way no matter what. Remember that."

Donghyuck clenches his fist tightly, stabbing his very small nails against the soft flesh of the palm of his hand. 

"Humans are so weak. So prone to corruption." He whispers to himself with his head hanging low. "It's disgusting." 

Chenle gently puts his hand on top of his friend's and squeezes reassuringly as if reminding the boy he wasn't alone. Not anymore. There was only so much either could do but Donghyuck felt more at calm knowing such powerful and protected people like Chenle and Mark were on his side even if even they weren't bulletproof against higher powers. Especially when both were only one strike away from being ripped of their privileges, Mark for being caught and Chenle for being a rank four. 

Everyone had so much to lose and yet so much to gain if the revolt didn't lose its fuel — hope. That ought to be enough to make a change. 

  
  
  
  
  


Donghyuck was evil. His intentions weren't but his methods were, perhaps, not the greatest. Plus, technically, the issue in question wasn't his to meddle with, but he felt it was his duty to bring closure to Mark. He knew too that maybe the boy wasn't ready which had been what held him back from scheming a way for him and Jaemin to come face to face again, but Donghyuck couldn't stand another say of seeing the boy flinch whenever he'd do something that'd trigger him to think of the past. 

So he was evil, but not really. 

Mark was definitely going to be mad though. 

Johnny was out, inside the apartment were just the two of them cuddling as per usual. Donghyuck relishes the calm before the storm. 

"So when is Chenle arriving?" 

He swallows dryly. "He said he'd be here soon." 

Just as he finishes replying, the doorbell rings. The boy quickly runs to the door and takes a deep breath before opening it. Jaemin greets him with a wide smile and a shy wave. "This is random of you."

"Ah yeah." Donghyuck scratches the back of his neck awkwardly. 

"What the fuck?" Mark growls from somewhere behind him making his whole body shake in fear. "What's he doing here?" 

"I… look i'm really sorry but i need you to talk."

"That's none of your concern."

"It is. From the moment we became a thing it became my issue too! You don't have to forgive him, just talk your anger out, maybe throw a few punches if you will."

Jaemin looks at him like he's insane but quickly goes back to his previous stance — back straight, shoulders rolled back, head hanging low, overall as stiff as a metal pole. Donghyuck supposed he wasn't all that against the suggestion as he knew the other was aware of the gravity of his actions and would accept any punishment Mark deemed necessary. 

Just as much as Mark needed to release his rage, Jaemin too needed to let go of the guilt that lay heavy on his shoulders. 

"I know you're against this but i do have lots i want to say to you, you don't owe me anything so i'm humbly asking for your time." Jaemin says as he bows to Mark. "Please." 

"Seeing you already sprinkled salt in the wound i might as well put my finger in it." Mark grumbles as he jumps onto the couch. 

The rank two plays with his fingers nervously before beginning his long ramble. "I really am so sorry. I should've pulled it like a band-aid and gotten it over with as soon as possible. But at some point i realised the first thing i thought of the second i'd wake up is you, and that i couldn't wait for the next time i'd be with you. So i dragged it in and on as if that'd help us both in any way... In reality i was being selfish and i knew that. I'd go to bed, think about how painful it'd be when everything would come to an end and fall asleep crying only to wake up and smile knowing i'd see you again. Except... One day i got a call, boss wanted me to end the operation already. He thought i was taking far too long, and i was.. Never before had an operation lasted for as far as a month let alone three. I had no choice, he gave me an ultimatum. Knowing the end was near suffocated me, i clung to you hoping that time would slow down. But you can't avoid fate, and ours was predestined from the very start." Jaemin breathes in deeply and closes his eyes tightly as a single tear rolls down his cheek." Mark Lee i don't deserve forgiveness but you deserve a sorry. And i can't begin to show you how sorry i am for making things grow to that extent. I'm sorry for being selfish, in the end i hurt us both and the inevitable end came around anyways. So im sorry."

Silence follows, only Jaemin's quiet sobs could be heard every so often. Mark had been staring at the ceiling the entire time with unfocused eyes and his lips pursed together. "You were my first love Jaemin.." He says at last. 

"I'm sorry that i didn't cut it off before it became love i'm sorry your first love will always carry a dark image with it. I didn't meant to, i didn't-"

The other sits up and stares right into the boy's eyes. "Jaemin. You're my first love, no matter how much you have hurt me. You were my first in every damn way possible. I can never hate you, and i will always see you with fondness."

Jaemin's face brightens up immediately with the immense amount of relief that hit him so suddenly. "You too. You were all of my firsts too, believe it or not." 

"I think that eases my heart enough to allow myself to move on then, all this time i thought i had been an idiot and that i had been played. I was, but you played yourself too. As bad as this sounds, i think knowing you fell for the trap with me eases my mind." Mark snorts. 

"That's understandable..." Jaemin whispers. "Thank you for hearing me, really. It makes me happy to know that me telling the truth helped you."

"Guess i won't be beating the living hell out of Donghyuck over here after all."

The boy who had been standing in the corner listening attentively pokes his tongue out childishly and then smirks. "See? Knew you just needed to hear what Jaemin had to say. I didn't want anything else, i didn't even expect this to go so calmly but i definitely am not complaining. You don't have to see each other again, but i think this talk was needed. And see! It didn't even take long."

Jaemin smiles sadly. "Mark Hyung is too nice to hurt others just like that, i still think i deserve at least one punch." 

"Don't tempt me, idiot." The rank one quirks his eyebrows smugly. "This was more tiring than the physical trials, i need a long fucking nap now."

"I'll cook you something so you wake to some delicious food!" 

Mark looks at Donghyuck and snickers. "Yeah alright sure, pretty sure burnt toast isn't considered delicious by the general public." 

Jaemin barks out a laugh and quickly covers his mouth but his shoulders still shake slightly as the boy tries his best to suppress his laughter. "I should go-" 

"You know what Jaemin? I didn't punch you but i do have a punishment. Your duty is to teach Hyuck how to cook properly, until that happens you won't be forgiven."

"Uh?!" Both boys exclaim at the same time. 

"You heard me, now get to work." Mark orders with a fake smile on his face. "And don't you dare wake me up before i do it myself. You owe me that much." 

Donghyuck huffs but nods anyways. "Yes sir…" 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Johnny refused to go a day without checking the news. If the television was on it would be broadcasting the chain of unfortunate events that had commenced since the beginning of that year. It seemed that the country somehow managed to keep on getting worse, it was hard to tell how it'd all end up like. 

It was depressing to live in such a reality. It hurt to see people suffering while fighting for a better life but it hurt even more to see those who had remained on the low to have to deal with the consequences. Villages were being ravaged in the name of order and loyalty, rank fives and fours had been terribly affected by the soldiers finding any reason to mark them as the enemy. 

The only thing that brought him peace was Mark. Although the anxiety of being caught popped up whenever they hung together it was easily overshadowed by the peacefulness of simply being near the other. They didn't need to touch or talk at times, it was comfortable either way. 

It was perhaps not the best idea to depend on someone that badly even if it was mutual. They could not always be there for one another, it was impossible. Mark was fairly busy, more so than Donghyuck, and some days, days like those, where the other had been caught up with work, life just felt awfully dull. 

Laying in bed alone was depressing, he couldn't turn to his side and pull Mark into his embrace, he couldn't even call the boy as he would not pick up. Of course Donghyuck knew that he had other friends that could ease his loneliness temporarily but his brain whined for one specific person and so it was as if the boy forgot anyone else in the world existed apart from Mark. 

He's reminded of that fact however by, surprisingly, Jeno. Donghyuck stares at the incoming video call with his eyebrows furrowed in deep confusion. After their last encounter he had not expected them to not speak for a while or maybe never, and on top of that the fact that it was Jeno, that stubborn bastard, breaking the silence first was too shocking to process. 

Eventually he does pick up. A smile forms on his face against his will, all the hope of them returning to who they used to be that had vanished returned just like that and he couldn't help but feel happy that things weren't actually over between them. However it didn't take a lengthy observation to know something was off or that Jeno hadn't exactly called to make peace. 

Donghyuck gulps. 

"Hyuck." He whispers. "Have you seen the news?" 

His voice was shaky as if he was on the verge of a breakdown. Donghyuck's heart sunk in his chest. Something was off. 

"Yes?" 

"From today?" 

The boy shakes his head weakly. "Not today."

Jeno stares at him for a long time in silence then his eyes dart downwards. He chews in his bottom lip for a while and then, finally, breathes in deeply. "They're gone."

Donghyuck's eyes widen. "Who?!" 

A single tear rolls down his friend's cheek. "Your parents." He sobs. " _They're gone, Donghyuck_."

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOOOO the more action filled bit is next i made it!! i still dunno when ill be back doe i gotta plan the chapters and all that jazz but also uni is starting again lmao.. summer went by too fast. anyways! hope yall had a good vacation^^ and hopefully ill see u on the next and final bit of this long ass mf story

**Author's Note:**

> [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/jenosuke) [twitter](https://mobile.twitter.com/ultraviolentae) [about me](https://ultraviolentae.carrd.co/)


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